


Where Is My Mind

by Crivellone



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, Homosexual M/M, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Not Beta Read, Pining Harry, Styles Twins - Freeform, it gets happier as it goes onward, sad content, sad!harry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-16
Updated: 2013-10-30
Packaged: 2017-12-05 12:41:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/723431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crivellone/pseuds/Crivellone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry meets Louis and Louis is blue eyes and a caramel fringe, and he's camp as can be with his espadrilles and scarf. And Harry is pinked cheeks, light green eyes and milky pale skin. Harry is finally happy with Louis in his life, all his sadness fades away... until things change again and the good doesn't outweigh the bad anymore. He finds himself drifting back into the sadness, the arrival of his twin brother breaks his walls down and all of the boys see exactly who Harry was before one direction. Harry struggles to find his happiness again, is it with Louis, the boy who changed his life so much in an instant? Or is he misplacing his heart because he misses his brother Edward, who understands him so well?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was a sadness Harry never understood, he never knew why it followed him around, or why it was him carrying around the burden. He just knew that he was. Harry wasn't depressed, not really. He just knew things, like the way certain things worked in the world, how unfair things could be, how people looked at him and judged him, along with everyone else. He knew that life wasn't a fairytale with happy endings and princes gallivanting around saving women in distress. And maybe that was okay, to see things for what they were and not build the world up and have an unrealistic perspective… but for Harry it broke him down, it quieted him, distanced him, tucked him in a corner away from everyone else and everyone knew it too.

Although Harry carried around this sadness he wasn't alone, he had someone who understood the way he thought, at least a little bit. He had almost everything in common with this person, including appearance, the curls, the light green eyes, nose, lips, everything the same. He and his twin brother Edward were identical in almost every sense of the word. The few things that differentiated them from one another weren't physical, they were tucked inside of them and almost everyone knew that too.  
Where Harry was quiet and stuck in his books, Edward was loud and flirtatious and played sports. Edward was nearly Harry's complete opposite. Edward was cool, easy-going, talented and athletic. He was captain of the footy team that Harry played on at one time for about three days when he was around fourteen and wanted to stop being so 'weird' as he'd heard some kids from school calling him in the hallway.  
But that was Harry, he was 'weird' because he didn't draw attention to himself, although it happened more often than he'd like, seeing as he had a brother who looked exactly liked him and happened to be friends with basically everyone. Harry hated being the center of attention, hated the way people looked at him, like they were inspecting him, finding any flaw he had, ripping him apart. He would rather hole up in his bedroom and keep himself to himself and never be scrutinized by his brothers friends again… however that wasn't really a possibility. 

So Harry goes almost everywhere with his brother, following him around like a lost puppy, because he kind of is, he doesn't really know what to do with himself when he's got so many options, when he can go to the park or the bakery down the road, and so he just lets Edward take him around, show him where to go next and he doesn't complain.  
Edward knows how Harry shuts down around anyone who isn't him, and he hates it. He hates seeing his brother flip like a light switch once they leave their home or come around other people. He hates it because he knows who Harry is when it's just them, he knows that Harry is just as cheeky and flirty as he is, and he knows how charming and funny he can be. But Edward also knows that Harry isn't the same boy he was when he was young and hyper and getting into trouble, he doesn't know when he changed or what caused it, but it happened and Harry kind of closed up, quieted down. Harry told him about his sadness and how he doesn't know why he's sad or what makes him quiet around anyone who is not him. And Harry told Edward all about the sad things his mind says, how he doesn't feel like he's got enough talent, how he's not going to be a great singer or writer or be a great anything. He's just Harry and Harry isn't going to be a great, he's just going to stay Harry forever. And of course Edward was there through it all, watching as Harry sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and pressed at the corners of his eyes, fighting tears, because this really makes Harry upset, carrying it all around and not knowing why, and Edward wipes the tears away and tells Harry how important he is and how much he's loved and that he's got all the talent in the world, he's just got to figure out what kind of great he wants to be. And Edward makes Harry promise that whenever he's sad, whenever he needs him, if the sadness gets too heavy, that he's there, that Harry is to find him, call him, text him, leave him a million voicemails if that's what it takes. So Harry makes the promise and holds it close to his heart from then on, calling and texting and finding Edward more times than either boy would ever want to admit, because Harry gets sadder than Edward ever thought, he gets more emotional than he's ever seen him, but he stays with him, wipes the tears and reassures him that he's amazing and loved and important and once Harry's tears are dried and he's holding onto the promise that maybe he can be great one day, Edward drags him to bed and they sleep in the same bed, cuddled up next to each other, falling asleep with limbs tangled together like they used to when they shared a room and a bed, and everything else. And neither of them think much of it, they just know that it's the way things are, that Harry needs it, that Edward will always be there to calm his worries and rid the sadness for the night. It's the way things are.

It's been _the way things are_ since he was born, but things changed, and saying 'changed' is a massive understatement. At sixteen Harry's life was basically flipped upside down and inside out, twisted and contorted into something he barely recognized as his own life.


	2. Chapter 2

It all started when Harry and Edward had their fifteenth birthday party, all of Edward's friends crowded into they Styles' twins' home and ate cake and sang happy birthday, nearly forgetting to include Harry's name in the mix of lyrics. And Harry was just a body bumping into everyone else, taking up space. Harry knew that Edward's friends talked to him to be nice, because if they didn't try with Harry then Edward would say something about it. Harry knew it as well, secretly wishing to be left alone by the people he only kind of knew and he wanted to hole up in his room away from the pity smiles and sympathetic conversation. 

And that's exactly what he did, making a smooth escape upstairs to his room and drowning himself in music, trying to push away the worries plaguing his mind.  
And that's where it all started really, once the party was mostly over Edward had found him, sprawled out on his bed singing I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt like it was his own life story. From that moment on those occurrences happened a lot more often, Edward finding Harry singing up in his room, his voice holding all of the emotion in the world. Harry caught on to the fact that Edward wasn't just stumbling upon him, singing to all the bands he'd never heard of, Edward was actively seeking it out, trying to find him when he'd sneak off up to his room, waiting to hear music faintly seeping out of his room. 

All of these 'accidents' are what prompted Edward to sign up for X Factor auditions without telling him. It had been over a year since he'd first heard Harry singing, and a few months since he'd gotten his hands on the application and filled it all out with Harry's specifications and information. And he'd been keeping it all a secret until it was five days until the audition, then he'd told his mother what he'd done and they stood in the kitchen trying to figure out a way to coax Harry into actually going for it. 

"Harry, will you come downstairs? Mum wants to talk to us about something." Edward watches as Harry's innocent eyes go wide and worried.  
"It's not gonna be bad Haz, just come down and talk." Harry tried not to worry, tried not to get nervous and fidget as he dragged himself off his bed to follow his brother down the stairs.

Harry walked into the living room to find his mum and brother looking oddly suspicious and hesitantly sat down on the sofa.  
"What's going on guys?" Edward catches the nervousness in Harry's voice and in the way his eyes dart around like he's looking for some obvious sign that he's somehow missing.  
"Honey, your brother and I wanted to talk to you about something, it's about your singing."  
"I'm sorry if I'm loud, I can stop, I'll be quiet." Harry watched their faces change, dropping into shocked expressions.  
"Harry, no. We don't want you to stop." Harry tries to read his mothers face but can't decipher what's going on.  
"Harry, I did something, and I know you're going to say no right away, but please, please do this and please don't be mad at me, I've been listening to you sing for over a year now and I just know you can go somewhere with it, and I know it makes you happy, so please don't write this off, think about it okay?" Edward seems genuine in the way he speaks and the words he says seem true enough so Harry agrees with the nod of his head.

"What did you do?" His voice is shy, the way it is when he's around people he only kind of knows.  
"A few months ago I saw that there were going to be auditions for X Factor in Manchester, so I got an application and filled it out for you. The audition is in a couple of days… five days actually, and mum and I really want you to try out. Please, do this."  
"You… you- I can't, I can't do that. I won't make it, I'm not good enough Eddie, I can't." All of Harry's insecurities came rushing forward, all of the 'you're not good enough' 'you'll never be great' flying at him at the speed of light.

"Harry, please. I know that this will make you happy, I know that they'll love you, I know how happy you could be, I want to see you smile again, like you do with me, I want to see you smile that way all of the time. I swear to you, you will make it, you'll be great and people will love you for you. I'll help you practice, I'll do whatever it takes to get you to that audition, please take this chance. I know you can do it."

After constant pleading and very persuasive persuading Harry had agreed, although a bit hesitant and reluctant to actually go forth with this, insecure about all the people he'd have to meet and afraid he would be told he wasn't good enough.

But Edward was right by him the entire time, talking him through his worries and reassuring him of his talent, practicing his song for five days straight, in the car on the way to Manchester and not leaving his side in the queue. Edward was more of his rock than usual, he knew how out of character this was for Harry, how afraid of rejection he was and how badly he really wanted this, he knew how happy it could make him, and he knew that Harry wanted nothing more than happiness, he'd always say, "I just want to be happy all of the time, Eddie." His eyes sad and fighting tears, he knew that if he heard "you're not good enough," that it would break him, and Edward was positive that he'd get through and be great, just like he'd always wanted to be.

Manchester is where everything changed. It's where Harry's life was twisted and morphed and flipped inside and out and turned into something barely recognizable as his own life. And it wasn't his audition that changed it all, it wasn't the acceptance of the crowd that made him smile like a little boy, and it wasn't getting through to the next round that changed him or his life forever. There was one person, one single person who just by looking him in the eye changed his entire life.  
At first he was just a camp boy with bright blue eyes and a caramel colored fringe, he was just a boy who bumped into him in the toilets at the X Factor.  
It started with the collision of the strangers body running into his own and Harry apologizing with a worried "oops" and the camp boy smiling, offering a hand to shake and a "Hi." Something about him made Harry smile, all teeth and dimples, something that rarely ever happened. As it had turned out, he had seen Harry's audition and asked for not only an autograph but a picture, because _"I just know you're going to be big one day."_ And something in Harry snapped, whatever worries and sadness he had vanished, just like that, with the boy introducing himself as _Louis. Louis Tomlinson._ and Harry smiling like an idiot saying _I'm Harry… Styles. Harry Styles._ It was that moment when Harry realized he was smiling and giddy and happy in a way he hadn't been in ages, and he loved it. He loved the way his smile hurt his cheeks and he just wanted to go run and tell his family about the boy in front of him, with blue eyes and espadrilles on his feet, and it was strange because he'd never felt that way before, but he was okay with it, because he was genuinely happy.

Fortunately the loo wasn't the last time Harry saw that boy, and his smile didn't fade the rest of the day, or even the next morning. Edward was the first to notice the change in him, his sudden happiness and the way his eyes seemed brighter, and Harry didn't say anything about it being because of the boy he'd met in the toilets, he made it out that getting through to bootcamp had him grinning.

Harry wasn't sure if meeting Louis the first time was better than the day he was put into a band with him, wasn't sure if seeing the excited blue eyes for the very first time compared to finding out that he and Louis, along with three other boys, would be in a band together, that he would finally have his own friends… but more importantly, he'd be able to see Louis everyday. Knowing that Louis wasn't going to be leaving him unless they left X Factor was reassuring, yet nerve racking. But it all made Harry want it so much more, he wanted to win, had to win, because that was the only sure way that Louis would stay in his life and the sadness would stay away and his smiles and laughter would remain the way they always did when Louis was around.

Although that thought process was fairly short lived, because Harry was Harry and he was the way he was and as much as he wanted to, he couldn't change who he was. He still got sad, the looming darkness weighing his shoulders down and pulling the corners of his lips into a frown and he'd find himself holed up in a practice room or not talking as much as usual some days. And people noticed, people knew it was strange, that Harry was more than flirting and cheeky smiles, there was something in him that dragged him down, but no one mentioned it, just made sure he was alright and left him to be, give him the space he needed… or they thought he needed.  
And no one really thought that Harry had always been this way, carrying around this unbearable weight that he didn't understand, that maybe this Harry was who he really was before X Factor, and that being here, in this big house with people who were his friends, just his, not his brothers or acquaintances, changed him. That maybe a boy with crystal blue eyes and soft brown hair flipped his entire world around, changed everything about who he was… and even though they didn't consider this, it was the truth.  
Harry became who he always wished he could be because of Louis, he was who he was with his brother, he was happy, funny, cheeky, flirty, occasionally loud and laughed with his entire body. He was someone people wanted to be around and talk to and have a laugh with, and he loved it. He loved being someone people looked at with happy smiles with no trace of pity, he loved making others laugh so hard tears formed and tummies ached. And he loved how brave he was, singing in front of a massive crowd every week, standing beside four other boys who shared a dream they all thought would be impossible if not for this opportunity.  
But just because this new found bravery and sudden change in personality had Harry smiling and laughing, it didn't change everything. He was still plagued by worries and fears and wished to tell someone about, but never found enough of his new found bravery to do so. 

Throughout his time spent in the X Factor house around the three other boys they'd all become brothers, always there for one another and they told each other all about themselves… well mostly. As for Louis, he was more than a brother, he was Harry's little secret in a way. Nobody knew that most of his smiles and laughs were because of Louis, because he existed in Harry's life. The two boys were closer than the rest of them, Harry became used to random hugs and sloppy wet kisses being smacked onto his cheeks, having no personal space while watching television, or anything else really. If Louis was with Harry they were most likely keeping some sort of contact with one another, whether it be them pressed together, side to side on the sofa or Harry's fingers brushing against Louis' arm discreetly. And Harry wasn't even sure why he did it, why he found himself needing to keep contact with the boy who so suddenly came into his life and flipped everything around without even knowing what he was doing.  
Harry figured he'd grown more attached to Louis because he was the first one he'd met out of the group, and Louis made him laugh the most and Harry really loved that. And it was never that Harry wasn't close to the other boys, because he most definitely was. Niall was loud and happy and always smiling, Zayn was a bit quiet and always had a great knack for understanding things and people and Harry liked talking to him because of that, and then Liam was always watching out for all of them, keeping an eye on them, making sure no one was upset or getting frustrated during practice, and kept Niall well fed and became Louis' partner in getting into trouble, telling him if he should do something mischievous, and to Harry he was like a rock, keeping everything together and okay.

It was the X Factor that brought them all together and changed their lives drastically. They became massive as One Direction, they may not have won X Factor, but they kind of did. They had gotten signed to Syco, they had been on the X Factor tour and done a tour with Big Time Rush, they'd done their own headlining tour and had another one planned for the coming year. The five boys had been through more in two and a half years than most people would in a lifetime. They'd seen the world, they'd met thousands and thousands of people and signed more pictures of their faces than they could ever count. Their lives were everything they thought they'd never be, and Harry enjoyed it until no end. He loved preforming, signings, interviews and his life in general. He was happier than he'd ever been in all of his eighteen years and it wasn't going unnoticed by his family either.  
Edward had caught on long ago that something in Harry had changed. He'd question Harry about it from time to time, lacking subtlety every time. And Harry would just say that the band was doing so well and he was happy to finally have a life that kept him busy and on his toes, unlike before. Although Edward never fully believed his brother, he'd let it slide, hoping Harry would one day come to him and tell him what had changed him so much, but for the time being he was happy that his brother was enjoying his life with smiles and laughter and the sadness was seemingly gone for the time being.


	3. Chapter 3

It wasn't until Harry was nearing on nineteen that someone actually took the time to ask about his life before, in more detail than where he'd come from and what he'd done before he was one fifth of One Direction. The question had caught him off guard during an interview, that was most unfortunately live on radio and streaming on the internet. It was one of those things where it should be a question with an easy answer, it shouldn't have made his cheeks darken and mind swirl with 'you're not great' 'you'll never be great' and all of those things he'd managed to somehow put behind him.  
Everyone eventually caught onto the prolonged silence and tension, Louis nudging Harry a bit with his elbow to get him to answer and to Harry's surprise he did, although, maybe not in the way he'd hoped.

"Harry, what kind of guy were you before One Direction, what was your life like?" The question was nearly drowning Harry's brain.

"I- I wasn't anybody. I was just Harry from Holmes Chapel, trying to find my way I guess. I didn't have a lot of friends, but I had my brother Edward and he was enough of a friend to me, and understood me, which I think was good enough for me, to just have someone who understood me, because very few people did… or do. I wasn't much of anything before One Direction, and I'm so thankful to have this opportunity to be a somebody, and to have these four guys who are now an extension of myself." 

The answer was one that no one had expected, no one knew Harry would be so outrightly honest, no one knew that Harry wasn't always this person with the cheeky comments and confident personality, it was a surprise to hear Harry speak in such a way, so emotional and slightly embarrassed, because Harry hated crying or being too emotional and he rarely got embarrassed.

After another tense pause in conversation the interviewer moved on, asking the other boys questions and lightening the mood, which everyone was thankful for, but no one was fooled. Everyone knew that Harry was a bit cut up, his slumped shoulders and sad eyes were easy enough to read and he wasn't really hiding it either.

Once the interview had ended the four boys were hyperaware of everything Harry did, said, every move he made. It was so unusual to see Harry this way, because it rarely ever happened. He was always so level headed and calm, laid back and unbothered, but this… this Harry was on edge, fidgety, nervous and so obviously wrecked because of what had happened in the interview.

And the boys didn't let it go either, everyone had piled into Harry's fairly new home, the one he'd bought after moving out from the flat he'd shared with Louis. It was only a matter of minutes before they were all sat down in Harry's large living room, looking at him with worried eyes and curiosity.

"Harry, what's wrong? What happened back there?" It was Liam, always concerned about his well being.

"Nothing. Nothing happened. I'm fine." And it was a typical Harry answer, not wanting to talk about it, not wanting anyone to worry or be overly invested in his emotions, because he was already buried deep inside of them himself.

"That's crap, Haz and you know it. How come you never told us? You never ever talk about your life like that, you've never said anything like that to us." Harry knew it was true, because he never did talk that way about his life or anything and Louis would know, because he lived with the guy for a little over a year.

Harry just kind of hung his head, embarrassed and upset, he didn't want to admit to being completely friendless before the band, and he wasn't happy about having to talk about this either.

"Harry. C'mon." Louis scooted closer to him, his fingers wrapping around his bicep lightly, comforting and Harry just tried to let his mind focus on that. The warm touch, constant, steady, understanding.

It took a long minute and a deep sigh, but Harry pulled his head up, looking at each of the boys quickly before speaking.

"It's not a big deal. I didn't have a lot of friends… or any really. But I mean, it was okay. I had Edward, and he was enough. I didn't need any other friends because he filled the position for me, I didn't really want any other friends anyway. Edward has always had lots of friends and I went with him everywhere, followed behind him because I really didn't know what else to do with myself. And he let me, he knew that I was lost and even if I didn't want to be around people I barely knew I didn't really want to be alone all the time either. He got it and let me be and at home we'd be brothers and I wasn't the painfully shy, barely able to speak in social situations- guy. I was… I was who I am now, but probably a bit less happy. He just got it, he understood that I didn't want to be out there with everyone else, for whatever reason… I don't even really know why myself, but it doesn't matter, because he understood. I just… I wasn't always as happy as I am now, I haven't always been so out there with people, I was a lot different before X Factor. I'm sorry for freaking you guys out, I just kind of hate having to say "I'm Harry Styles and I was pitiful and friendless before X Factor." So… yeah, I'm fine now. I've got you guys and that's all I need."

It wasn't a massive secret that Harry had been a bit low on friends since the boys had known him. All of the other boys had close relationships with friends back home, Liam with Andy, Louis and Stan, Niall and well… basically everyone Niall knew before, he was exceptionally friendly, and Zayn with his cousins, his family was big and most of his relatives doubled as best friends, but Harry didn't have anyone, no one he spoke about often, not even Edward. It all kind of clicked for them then, that Harry never spoke of anyone or texted anyone because there was no one to text or talk about, and it also explained why he'd made so many friends that were celebrities, from Nick Grimshaw to Ed Sheeran, he didn't have any 'regular' friends, because he had never had any.  
And it all seemed quite odd to the four other boys because Harry was so friendly and polite and could charm the hell out of anyone, it was quite shocking that someone like Harry could not have friends.

However, the four boys took it in and accepted it, that Harry was kind of a loner before and it's just the way it was. They didn't ask why he'd changed so much or what changed him, or anything else. They just let it be. And Harry didn't offer up anymore. He didn't say it was Louis who changed him, the first time he'd ever seen him, those eyes and lovely Doncaster accent. And he didn't tell them how he hated his house, he hated everything about it because it wasn't home, not like the flat he shared with Louis was. And he didn't tell them that he hated it because Louis wasn't there in the morning or late at night on the couch watching shit telly… and he didn't tell any of them that the first week in the house they were all currently in, he'd cried himself to sleep. The first day he'd thrown a fit, knocking everything off of his kitchen counters and screaming and punching his walls, fat tears falling endlessly down his cheeks. And he didn't mention that a quarter of that anger stemmed from how little he'd changed, how much of the old him was still there and how much he really needed Louis, how much that one boy had impacted his life. He didn't say anything, he just let it be, let everyone sit there and believe that he was absolutely fine and he'd be just fine.

What Harry never realized was that Louis left before everyone else and wasn't seen for hours afterwards. Harry had no idea that Louis had left to call the only person who understood Harry more than he did, his brother. Louis had called Edward before and vise versa, but never talked to him about something so serious, never something that was about Harry's past either. 

"Edward?"

"Louis? Is everything okay?" Edward was always a bit worried for his brother, knowing the way he'd been sad before and hoping to God it wouldn't happen again.

"I'm not sure… I was hoping you could meet me today, in Birmingham? If you can get a ride or a train there and then I'll meet you and we'll drive to London together, you can stay with Harry or I for a bit… if it's okay with you and your mum?" Louis knew he had to see Edward in person, he couldn't ask him such personal things about Harry over the phone, it seemed wrong.

"Yeah. I'll leave now. Just tell me, is Harry okay?" Louis could hear the deep worry in his voice and nearly cringed.

"Yeah, he's alright. I just need to talk to you about some things. I'll meet you in Birmingham, just text me when you're there yeah?"

"Yeah. I'll see you soon."

\---

It took around 2 hours for Louis to make the drive, trying his best to go the speed limit and not break any laws.  
Edward had texted him nearly an hour ago saying he had arrived in Birmingham and he didn't want to make him wait any longer than necessary.

It was a relief for both boys when they saw each other, Louis knowing he'd get answers and Edward seeing Louis was alright assured him Harry wasn't hurt or anything of that nature.

Louis helped Edward with his bags and they headed to London. The car ride started off quiet, both boys a bit nervous, Louis for the answers he's be getting, fearing the worst, Edward for what was actually going on, and why he was called to come to London so suddenly.

"Are you going to tell me why you called or do I have to sit in worry for another hour?" Edward hadn't meant for it to be harsh or mean, and Louis knew it as well, he was just nervous and it was understandable.

"I asked you here so I could talk to you about Harry… we had an interview today and it was just… It was really weird. The radio host asked about Harry's life before the band and he said that he wasn't anybody, that he didn't really have friends before and after that he was a different person, he just changed, like someone flipped a switch and he turned into someone we'd never seen before." Louis turned to look at the face identical to Harry's, checking for any sign that something was really wrong.

"Louis… Harry has changed a lot since X Factor, literally the day of auditions something changed, he had his audition in front of the judges and was the Harry I'd grown up with, and then after awhile he disappeared to the toilets or something and when he came back he was the Harry only I had ever been able to see, he was smiling and talking and I knew something had happened, but he just said he was happy about getting through… He's been the chatty, charming Harry ever since then really." 

"You mean, Harry wasn't always the way he is now?" Edward could hear the disbelief in his voice and understood how it would be hard to believe… Harry hasn't shown anyone who he once was in years.

"No, not even close. I mean, he was with me, but only when it was just us. He was a wallflower before X Factor, he didn't have friends, and not even my friends were his friends, like it normally is with twins. He umm… he wasn't very happy, and he talked to me about it a few times, but never really said a whole lot. I mean, you can see it sometimes, when everyone else is talking around him and he's there, watching everything happen, you can see who he used to be, that he's still got the same mind set."

"He told us he didn't have friends, that you were enough, that you filled the position," Louis laughs a little, sadness evident in his attempt at easing the tension, "He said he wasn't always as happy as he is now, and I just kind of assumed that he'd never been this happy, our lives are so different now, and I mean, none of us have ever been this happy… but- but you mean he's really never been like… -he's never really been happy much at all, right?"

"Yeah, Harry's never really tried to make friends, he's always said he doesn't need them, doesn't want them. And I know that it seems like a simple statement, but I think there's a lot more to it than that. For awhile I thought he didn't try because he was shy or afraid people wouldn't like him, but as we got older I really realized that he was serious, he didn't want friends, he wanted to be left alone. He liked it better, he'd hole up in his room and do whatever he did, sing, write, or just stare at the wall… which I've caught him doing more than is probably normal, but that was the way he was."

"When you said he talked to you about not being happy, what did he say?"

"I'm not sure if I should be telling you this… I've probably already said enough to piss him off if he found out. It's not really my place to say."

"Edward, please. I need to know, I see the way he slips away from things and would rather stand in the corner and watch it all go by, I see that he's not always as happy as he lets on. He smiles differently when it's forced, he's not always the happy Harry, I just… I need to know what's happening inside him you know? Then I can be there for him and try to understand."

"Okay, but keep in mind that he hasn't told me everything, he's got a lot going on in his head. Whenever he talked to me about it he'd always be so… careful. He'd choose his words like they had to line up just right, and he never let anyone say he's depressed, and I know it's because he wasn't… isn't. Or at least, it's not the way he feels about it. He's been this way for years, since we were about twelve, and it was more noticeable when we were about fourteen and from then on it just progressed, he couldn't hide it as well… it just kept building and building. He used to tell me that he didn't understand, why it was him carrying it around, why he had to have this sadness on his shoulders… why was he the only one getting upset over the things no one else noticed, there was one night that he crawled into my bed and cried because he saw the way some kids at school were treating each other and he was gutted, like it really hurt him, and he wasn't even apart of it, he was just a bystander, and he just looked at me with the saddest eyes in the world and asked, "Why are they hurting each other, how do they not see how much pain they cause?" And I could barely look at him, it physically hurt to see how badly he hurt because of it, and I couldn't answer him, I didn't have the answer and he knew that, he knew I didn't know, and accepted that as best as he could… but he never stopped being hurt by the world. I'd like to say that it's just because he's sensitive, he feels other people's pain, but I think it's much more than that. I think he thinks in an entirely different way than everybody else, he sees things and tries to understand and everything is okay when he does, but when it's a couple fighting in a shop or restaurant or on the street or kids teasing one another and taking it a bit too far, he sees that and it's like he takes all that sadness and carries it around because he's the only one who can see it. He sees the way someone's face drops just that little bit when they're teased and it strikes that nerve where it's something that really hurts you, but no one else knows that, and you hide it from them, you hide how much that comment hurt you, but Harry… Harry sees that and it sticks to him and buries itself inside him and he holds onto it so that person doesn't have to…"

"Do you think that he's still like that? That he's really not as happy as we all think he is?" Louis turned away, he couldn't look at Edward, his face resembled Harry's too much, the pained eyes were too much.

"I think that he wants to be as happy as we all think he is, so he tries, you know? But I don't think he's letting you guys see who he really is, maybe just who he wants to be. And it's not because he's not comfortable or anything like that, it's probably so far from personal really, it's just him. He's so smart, like unbelievably smart, he knows so much and I think all of the things he picks up on, sees when no one else is looking only makes him smarter. But there are things that he's never understood, it just doesn't click, because he's so far into thinking about it that it's all tangled and intertwined, like a tumbleweed and he can't untangle it or let the knots loose. You sit him in an english class that seniors in university take and he'll sit and listen and understand and walk out unfazed, he just knows those things, understands language and how words go together, you ask him to solve a quadratic equation without a calculator and it may take a minute or two but he'll get it, he'll sit an figure it out… but you put him in a room with three other people and he won't get it. He'll watch them communicate, hear their words and try to decode every little thing, he'll see the things no one pays attention to, it's like people are the worlds most difficult book to read or the hardest math problem ever, and he looks at it and is defeated, but he still tries.

"I'm trying to explain this the best I can, it's just, Harry isn't like anyone I know, he's just who he is and I grew up with him and accepted him like a brother should, I was there when he needed me to be and did what I could for him. He's so different, and it's hard to wrap your head around, he's so many things and I think most of the time when I take a moment to really think about my brother I usually just come up with 'How is he so many things, so many kinds of people in one body?' Because he's everything, he's not just Harry… he's… _Harry._ Even though that makes such little sense it's ridiculous."

Louis found it hard to hear about Harry in any context other than what he knew him as, but he was also fascinated, intrigued, he wanted to know Harry so much more than he already did. And he completely understood what Edward said by Harry being more than just Harry.

"I get it. I mean, he's not just who he is… that didn't make sense… It's hard to word. Harry is a lot of things and it's just like you know him and yet you know nothing about him at all, and you think about it and just try to understand but all you can really do is think 'how?' Because how is he so much, how can he be this international popstar and also be this guy who nobody knows when everything there is to know about us in plastered on magazines and out there on the internet… He's like a massive conflicts of interests in a person."

"I think that might be the problem though. I think he just wants to be one of those people… you know? He wants to be either Happy Harry or Sad Harry, rather than being sandwiched between both."

Louis just nods and the conversation fades out, coming to an agreeable close. There is only a few minutes left until they reach Harry's house and Edward is a bit anxious, he's not seen Harry for quite awhile and it's always so nice to see him, since he went sixteen years with seeing his face everyday, doing nearly everything with Harry by his side. He just hoped that Harry would be okay for real, not just trying to be happy like he so badly feared.


	4. Chapter 4

Louis and Edward pull up to Harry's house and turn to each other, giving similar looks, hoping for the best as well. They both get out and round the car, going to the boot and taking out Edwards bags, each boy carrying one with a fair amount of ease.  
"Louis, are we going to talk to him about all this today?" Louis can hear the apprehension in Edwards voice.

"No. We'll wait and see how he does with you here today and if he talks to you tonight or something, maybe we can go easier, but if not… tomorrow night probably."

"Okay. That sounds alright." Louis gives him a reassuring nod and motions for him to follow him up to Harry's door.

"Stay behind the wall here, I want to surprise him." Louis' eyes glint with excitement and all Edward can do is smile and bite back a laugh.

Louis knocks and waits for Harry to answer, something he rarely does, but figures since he left out of the blue earlier, he'd be extremely unexpected.

"Lou? What are you doing here? Why did you leave?" Louis' smile almost drops when he hears his voice, like he's trying to swallow the emotions he's feeling.

"I'm sorry for leaving, I should've told you where I was going… but I brought you something, and I couldn't really get it without leaving." Harry's expression changes drastically as he watches Louis' face, his smile growing and eyes brightening up.

"What are you on about?" Louis smiles, the annoyance in his voice is so unconvincing it's almost laughable.

"Just go inside and I'll bring it to you okay? And close your eyes!" Harry just rolls his eyes but does what he's told, scuttling into the house, trying to act sulky despite his bubbling excitement.

Louis carefully grabs the luggage of Edward's and carries it inside, placing it quietly on the floor of the sitting room and motions for Edward to come in.

"Okay Haz, close your eyes tight and hold out your hands." And Harry does, squeezing his eyes shut so tight little designs appear, and carefully extends his arms and holds his hands out.

"C'mon Lou, what is it?" Harry whines and makes and impatient sound, making Louis laugh and pull Edward closer, placing him right in front of Harry's hands.

"It's right in front of you, take a step closer, but keep your eyes closed." Edward is smiling like crazy, watching Harry's impatient face and hesitant step forward.

Harry finally touches Edward and he doesn't even have to open his eyes to know who it is, he could smell his cologne already, but his eyes shoot open and his arms wrap around his brother like he hasn't seen him in seven years.

"Edward." Harry chokes out, trying to control his breathing and emotions but he's failing so miserably it's almost upsetting him.

Louis just watches the two, Harry looks like he's about to crumble into a million pieces or cry hysterically at any moment and Edward is his solid rock, holding him upright and whispering to him the only way a brother would know how.

"It's okay Harry, it's alright, just calm down. I've got you, just breathe for me, nice and slow." Louis can't believe how Harry immediately changed when he realized Edward was there, how he obeys everything he says, slowing his breathing down and doing his best to calm down.

"I miss you." Louis barely caught the words as Harry said them, choked them out as best as he could.  
"I know. But I'm here now." Harry just nods into his brothers shoulder, a small whimpering sound making it's way past his lips.  
"Harry, wanna let me go?" Edward laughs lightly and moves his hands to cover Harry's where they've gripped around his waist so tight his knuckles turned white.  
Harry nods shyly and mutters a quiet 'sorry' as he lets go and hangs his head a bit, embarrassed and hoping to hide his wet cheeks from both boys.

It takes Edward lifting his head up for him to look at his face, and yet he still tries to avoid his eyes.  
"Hazza, look at me." And Louis just stands by, so unable to look away from this new version of Harry it's almost scary.  
Harry lets out a puff of air from his nose and his face shifts into a little pout as he looks at his brother.  
"You alright now?" Harry nods and adds a quiet 'yeah.'  
"Okay. …Love you." Edward smiles at him nicely, searching to get Harry to smile too.  
"Love you too." Harry smiles softly before moving to press his lips against Edwards lightly. The whole exchange takes Louis off guard, he's never actually seen Harry kiss anybody, not on the mouth, and definitely never a person of the same gender. However it wasn't gross or unsettling, it was the kind of kiss you give your mum when you're really young and don't really know what kissing could lead to. And by the way the two identical boys went about it, it wasn't anything more, it wasn't sexual or hinting to anything, it was just a soft peck, comforting and confirming that Harry was okay.

Once the two brothers broke away from each other Harry was smiling his goofy overly happy smile that rarely ever graced his face and Louis couldn't help but smile back at the sight and warmth that filled his heart.  
"So, am I forgiven for leaving unannounced then?" Louis asks, a little smirk on his lips.  
Harry kind of laughs, more airy than anything and moves to Louis, wrapping him up in a hug and Louis lets Harry's long arms squeeze him tight and hold him close, enjoying the proximity and warmth of Harry's taller body. 

Harry being taller and bigger in nearly every way was quite odd for Louis, for a good amount of time he was the bigger one, older and stronger, had more control, but it seemed that Harry went through more than one puberty and sprouted up in height and broadened out, voice getting deeper and deeper. It was weird to look at photos of Harry and him during X Factor, they had changed so much and sometimes he forgets that Harry hasn't always been towering over him or tripping over his feet that still seem a bit to big for his body.  
Although Harry's grown into the tall, lean, broad shouldered, charmer, Louis still catches him in moments where he's the small, soft faced, boy he knew at X Factor, when all of his features seemed too big for him, his big green eyes and a smile that took up nearly half of his face. 

"So, what would you like to do tonight, Hazza?" Louis took note of how softly Edward spoke to his brother, like he had to make soft suggestions, speak soft and easy for Harry to understand it all better, and Louis never really took note of how differently Edward treated his brother, not until now.

"I'd like to go to the cinema? …can we go?" The hesitance in Harry's voice was so unlike him and Louis was just so unbelieving of the change in him, the way he had seemingly curled into himself, he seemed smaller, younger. He wasn't the Harry he'd always known, he was the shadow of what he'd only see glimpses of, there was no false image there anymore, just Harry… the way he'd always been. He'd unraveled and become unable to keep up the image he'd set for himself at X Factor, everything was a bit too much now. He was too alone, Louis didn't live with him anymore, he didn't have his brother by his side everyday. He was lost, no one was showing him where to go anymore, they just expected him to know things and do them and be a certain way. He was sad again, he tried to keep seeing Louis and keep letting him make everything better, but he knew that once their days were over and the photoshoots were all done, they'd go to different homes and sleep miles away and wake up alone, and he hated that and it was starting to over power the great way Louis made him feel, the way Louis had always made him better, he just wanted to have him like he did before, when they were together everyday and night and Louis showed him where to go… he wanted that back.

"Of course we can go. Which movie do you want to see?"  
"Umm, I went to a film with Grimmy, and.. and I didn't get to see it all, can we go to that one?" Harry picked at his fingers whilst he asked, feeling a little insecure for unknown reasons.  
The truth of why he wanted to see the movie wasn't a happy truth. He'd seen the good part of the film, the funny part, that's what Grimmy had told him. He'd also told him what happened to the boy in the film at the end, what he'd discovered about his Aunt Hellen and what was done to him when he was young and he was awfully distraught over it, trying his best to fight back tears, he hated that something so bad happened to the boy, he had to know that it ended okay, he wanted to know that the boy in the film was going to be alright… even if it was just a movie.

"Yeah, we can go. Do you want to see if the other guys want to come too?" Harry just nodded at his brother, he'd like it if everyone could go.

Harry took Edward's bags to his own bedroom, despite having several extra rooms in the house, he didn't want to be alone tonight, not if he didn't have to be.  
Edward stayed in the living room area with Louis, who was still trying to sort out this new side of Harry, his best friend of two years.

Edward caught the way Louis watched Harry leave, the curiosity obvious in his facial expression.  
"So… this is what he was like before, isn't it?" Louis turned to Edward and spoke quietly, as to not let Harry over hear.  
"Yeah, I haven't seen him like this in years… well, aside from some holidays when he'd come back home. I don't know what's happened, I don't know why he's acting this way again. It's hard to get things out of him sometimes, he's got to want to tell you. …I can usually get him to talk, but he seems bad again, so I don't want to rush into it or anything, he'll shut down and pretend he can't hear me, he used to do that when we were really young, he'd do it to our mum when he was mad at her. ..Drove her nuts." Louis could've guessed what being 'bad again' meant, it wasn't much of a mystery in how different Harry was acting.

"Can we go now?" Harry asked as he walked back into the living room.  
"Yeah, we can. Grab your coat." Harry did so quickly, slipping his arms in the arm holes and buttoning it up, taking his time in that, he was always afraid of the buttons popping off, and Edward knew this as well, and he'd do the same, because Harry would always eye him worriedly if he went to fast.

 

The boys stopped at Zayn's house and picked up Liam and then dropped by Niall's to pick him up and they all went to the cinema to see the movie that Harry had already partly watched.  
Edward bought a soda for Harry and that had him smiling all the way into the theater. They found their seats, the entire place was nearly deserted as the movie had been running for longer than usual and anyone who'd wanted to see it already had.  
Louis and Edward sat at Harry's sides, and then it was Liam, Niall and Zayn.  
Once the film started all the boys' quieted down and watched the big projector, Harry being the most focused on it, he needed to know how it all went together, to see if there were any hints as to what happened to the boy all those years ago, some kind of forewarning or hint for him to latch onto and help him prepare himself for the sad truth of the ending.

Edward watched his brother as he stared intently at the screen, trying to figure out what had happened to make him revert into his old self.  
He watched as Harry's eyes softened and grew a bit sadder as the film went on, and the way his fingers clutched at his arm rest, and he clued into there being a reason Harry chose to see this movie again, or finish it. There was something that he had to figure out about it, there was something bothering him about it.  
Edward slipped his hand over Harry's, waiting for Harry's grip to relax, which it did, almost instantly and he looked over at his brother, confused and sad looking, and it broke Edward's heart, to see him this way again.  
Harry quickly looked away and refocused on the film, holding his brother's hand this time, moving his fingers between Edwards and holding on tightly. 

As the film progressed Edward kept watch on his brother, saw the silent tears that escaped when the boy talked about his friend that died only months ago, and when the girl told him she was raped by her dad's boss, and when the boy in the film got 'bad again' and Harry held onto Edward's hand a bit tighter through those parts.

Harry started slowly falling apart as the screen flicked new scenes in front of him, more bad, more sad, more of the truth he didn't want to know, but had to sit through to get to the end. He hated that this movie wasn't happy like the beginning, he wanted a happy ending, to know that everything would be okay for the boy again.  
He finally broke when the boy ended up in the hospital again, when he was 'bad again' and he needed to be taken care of, because that was Harry's biggest fear, that there really was something wrong with himself and that no one wanted to really tell him that he needed help, that he wasn't okay or normal or going to alright in the end.  
And he cried, but tried not to, but couldn't stop it, he was too sad, too upset at this movie that lied to him about everything being okay again. He squeezed his brother's hand and stopped fighting it all, and Edward had to force Harry to stop looking at the movie.

"Harry, look at me, tell me what's wrong, you've got to tell me." Harry couldn't talk, he just couldn't, so he cried a little harder.  
"Okay, it's going to be alright, just look at me, breathe for me. Can you do that? Breathe slow, in and out." Harry listened to his brother, trying his best to calm himself down, because this was bad, it was too much.  
"C'mon, I'm gonna get you out of here." Edward lifted Harry up from his seat and guided him out of the row of chairs, signaling for the other boys not to follow him.

"Harry, it's just a movie, it's not real… tell me why you're so upset, can you do that for me, please?" Edward held Harry's face in his hands, wiping his tears away with his thumbs as they slid down his cheeks.  
"I just… umm… I needed to know… -I needed to know that he would be okay, and… and he's not, he's not okay and I'm not… I'm not okay either." Harry hiccuped as he finished and turned into the soft touch of Edwards hand.

"What do you mean you're not okay? What happened, babe?" Harry sniffled a little before answering.  
"I'm not okay… I'm trying to be, but it hurts. It's heavy again, like it used to be. And Louis…"  
"What about Louis? Did he do something?"  
"He moved… he moved away and he's not there anymore." Harry let some tears slip again, trying not to let the sobbing start again.  
"But you still see him everyday, Haz… he's still there."  
"It's not the same, I'm not okay when he goes away to his house… I'm not okay without him, Edward, I'm not."  
"Is that what this is all about, Harry? Is Louis the reason you changed?" Harry just nods, because yes, it was, it always was.  
"I thought so. How do you feel about Louis?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, so I would first like to say that I do realize it's taken me an eternity to update this story and that is because I had absolutely no idea where to go with it, but I do now... kind of. So here is chapter 5 and I hope you enjoy. Also please read my note at the bottom because it's important.

Edward watched his brother try to calm himself, he was so overwhelmed and in a situation like this Edward knew it'd be hard to settle him down enough for him to talk without working himself even further.  
"Okay, just breathe for me. You need to breathe or you're going to hyperventilate." Harry knew what was happening, his breathing so uneven and he couldn't catch it for a second, it wasn't the first time it had happened to him.  
"M-my pocket." He stuttered out and hoped that Edward would get it. He did, of course he did. Edward dug into Harry's coat pockets until he pulled out a red inhaler and quickly passed it to his brother.  
Harry shook it and inhaled as he pressed down to release the medicine, it took a moment for his lungs to get the air he needed and for his mind to slow down so everything wasn't going so fast.  
"Are you okay?" Harry nods and tucks the inhaler back into his pocket, hands still shaking a bit from being so worked up.  
"Since when do you use an inhaler, Haz?"  
"I got it for shows, because I run out of breath jumping around and it's hard to get enough air when my solos come up… but, I've been keeping it with me because I ju- just get really overwhelmed sometimes and kind of panic. D-don't tell anyone, pl-please." The pleading in his voice was scary for Edward to hear, it told him how bad Harry really was. He was so desperate to maintain the image of being the Harry Styles on magazine covers and posters and in interviews, but it was clear even he knew that it was slipping. He couldn't keep being the false version of himself when he felt this way, he was broken down by everything that was piled on top of him and expected of him and assumed about him when all he wanted to be was Harry, both happy and sad sometimes even if there wasn't always a reason, he just wanted to be that person and be accepted for it because it was exhausting trying to be just happy or sad or more so what the fans wanted him to be. He could only be one person, and he was Harry, who needed guidance and reassurance and love and someone there who cared about him and made him feel less like the sadness he carried around was going to consume him. 

 

The rest of the boys come out from the cinema and see Harry sitting on a bench outside and Edward right in front of him, squatting so he can see Harry's face as he tries to hide away. They know there's more going on than they've been told and they see that Harry's got his demons just like they do, but they've never seen him this way, this broken and it hurts them to see their friend hurt and it's just a terrible thing for the entire group.

"Guys, can you just give us a couple minutes?" Edward asks kindly and in a soft voice because he's still around Harry and he automatically uses the same voice any time that Harry in within hearing distance no matter who he's talking to.  
"Yeah, we'll go to the restaurant and wait for you guys." Zayn is pretty understanding, he's quiet himself and while he's not got the sadness that Harry does, he knows what it is to just need to be alone and have someone there at the same time. Zayn leads the boys away, having to tug Louis' arm lightly to get him to turn and walk with him, but he complies eventually.

\--

"So is this all about Louis then? Is that the reason you're- …sad again?" Harry looks at him, teeth holding his bottom lip and his eyes still wide and green and watery as he just stares into his brothers eyes, same color and same everything.  
"N-not all of it."  
"Is Louis is the reason you changed?"  
"Yeah. Kind of. I mean, at auditions I met him in the toilets and he was just really nice to me, he told me he knew I'd make it through because he'd heard me sing and I took a picture with him and he hugged me. He was so unrestrained and we'd only just met and I felt like I could be too. I don't know why it changed so much for me, but he gave me the chance to be happy." Harry fiddled with his hands and tried not to look at his brothers face, he hated eye contact when he was like this.  
"And now that he's not there with you it's harder to be happy like you were when he was?"  
Harry nods, "Yes and no. He's not the only reason I slipped back to being bad again." Edward closes his eyes, it hurts to hear Harry say that he is in fact bad again because he knows exactly what that means.  
"I just… I want to be one person you know? I feel like I'm being stretched and pulled and prodded at by everyone because they think I'm someone I'm not or they expect me to be a certain way and do certain things and know exactly what to do and how to do it and when to do it and I just don't. I can't be that person, I've never been that person and I can't change. I'll always be this person, someone who doesn't even know who they are because I'm fucking nineteen and have my entire life in front of me and I don't even know what country I'm in sometimes. I just… I'm Harry and I'm sad about so much because I don't know how not to be, I'm happy because I've got four best friends and I've got you here and I miss you so much when I'm gone. I'm sad because I hate how much I want to just stop everything sometimes when I know how lucky I am to be in the position that I am, but I can't help but feel like I need to stop and be alone like I used to be and I'm sad because I don't have you anymore, not like I used to. I don't have anyone who sees me this way and understands and doesn't freak out. I hate that you're not a room away anymore and that I can't just be who I was and have you there when I need you because I'm on a fucking airplane to only god knows where and you're a million miles away and I can't even call you because the time zones don't even remotely line up."  
Harry's got tears in his eyes and Edward's trying not to cry along with him, because God, he misses Harry too, and he hates that he's so sad.  
"Haz, I will always be there like I used to be. I will jump on a plane, I will fly a million miles for you if you need me. I will always be there for you. I know it's harder now, but you have to know you're not alone. You're my best friend, my brother, my twin and I will never ever let you feel like you've got no one. And you don't have to change for anyone, I know who you are and I love you everyday, I know how sad you get, and how happy you can be, and how much of a roller coaster your emotions are for you everyday, but I am there for you, I'm here. I'm always here if you need me. You know how special you are, how much you're loved, just remember that and know you'll be okay."  
Harry's quick to wrap his arms around his brother and bury his face in his neck, tears cascading down his face onto Edward's skin.  
Edward holds Harry close to him, petting his hair and speaking in reassuring coos and I love you's.  
"You don't have to get so upset, Harry. We can talk to Louis and see how he feels and maybe he can move back in with you. And we'll work on getting you back to being okay again. I'm here, I'm here as long as you need me."  
Harry nuzzles into his brothers neck, wanting to confess everything else that he's been holding in because… when he said that Louis wasn't quite the entire reason behind everything he meant it. There was a piece of information he had held back because how would Edward react if he knew Harry may be feeling the same things for both Louis and Edward. He knew the feelings he had were not necessarily okay, how people would look at him if they found out, siblings shouldn't feel this way about one another and Harry knew that. He wasn't sure if he was just confused or maybe he was so stressed out that his mind was in a another place. He didn't think it would be okay to express his thoughts or emotions on the topic so he didn't, he just let Edward hug him and pet his hair gently and let the "I love you, Hazza"'s he kept repeating warm his heart and fill his mind with enough reassurance to feel okay.

 

The twins finally compose themselves, wiping their damp cheeks and Harry reruffles his curls, putting them back into their messy order and Edward waits for him patiently then keeps him close, grabbing his hand and lacing their fingers as they walk to the restaurant the boys are at.  
When they arrive Edward pulls Harry flush against his side and Harry just conforms to the shape of his body and fits against him seamlessly. The boys have the curiosity that anyone would have with seeing two brothers so close, but they decide not to ask because they know Harry's got something going on with him and they don't want to upset him any further.  
They eat and it's normal, no tension or awkwardness, but Harry's different and the entire table can see that. He's not the Harry they've always known, he's quieter and tucked into his brother and any praise that his brother puts on him makes him blush and bow his head and press himself even closer against Edward. It's kind of weird for the boys to see him this way, because Harry's never been one to blush or be so dependent on someone and while they understand that this is him and he's always technically been this way, they're still trying to get used to viewing him this way.

The rest of the day is spent with the entire group roaming around together, ending up at Harry's house. They watch a film and eat snacks on the sofa for a good two hours. Both Harry and Edward are oblivious to the looks the four other boys keep throwing their way, Louis' been constantly sneaking glances like if he looks away something will happen with them, Liam just tries to ignore the oddity that Harry's become to him in such a short time and only looks a few times, trying to figure out the dynamic of the twins. Zayn looks a few times and works on figuring out why Harry's different now, but then he kind of gets it and catches Harry burrowing his face into his brother's neck and Edward's little smile as he sifts his fingers through his brothers curls and …oh, okay maybe he gets it but not entirely because brothers don't usually look at each other like that and he's not sure if that's something he's got an issue with or not so he doesn't think about it because he loves Harry, he's one of his best friends and as long as Harry's happy that's what matters to him. Niall is a bit confused by the twins and the change in Harry and the way Edward talks to him in that soft, careful voice that is just for Harry and he thinks it's kind of odd how they're so close, but he doesn't care much, Harry is his friend and Edward is nice to everyone so whatever they do is their own business and he doesn't want to stick his nose in too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still struggling with who Harry should be with, and right now it seems like it's going in one direction-- no pun intended, I swear -- and I would like some input from anyone who reads this, so if you have a preference of Louis or Edward please message me or just comment below, I'd really love it. Thanks guys! xx


	6. Chapter 6

After admitting his feelings towards Louis to Edward, Harry is even more uncertain in how he really feels. A part of him knows that Louis is the cause of him finally coming out of his shell and he's eternally grateful for that, but he's unsure if his feelings are being misplaced. Does he love Louis because he's beautiful and funny and smart and witty and treats him like he's something to be cherished or does he just think he loves him because he's helped him so much?  
And what about Edward? Harry knows the only thing in his way is the fact that they're siblings and everyone will think he's delusional and possibly shun him for feeling something more than brother-type feelings for his twin.  
For Harry it's hard to decipher his emotions, he's always carried around other people's pain and love and happiness like he had to because it hurt them and he hated to see people with broken hearts or unhappiness, but he needed to feed off of their happiness as well so he could feel happy himself. This difficulty brings the issue of not knowing what he feels for Edward. He knows loving Louis is okay, he's not afraid of being gay, he's known that gender wasn't a binding factor in who he looked at romantically for a long time. Loving Louis would be easy because he's already so close to him and they've shared so much together, and because Louis is not his brother. With Edward everything is a mess in his head. He knows he loves Louis, but he's just unsure if it's a different kind of love that he has for Edward. With Edward it's powerful, it's strong enough to make him shatter all his walls in order to let him in. Edward is exactly what he needs when he needs it, nothing less. Edward lets him be the Harry that can be happy and sad at the same time, and he can be the happy Harry during the day and be sad at night and he knows that Edward will let him crawl into his bed and cry if he needs to and understand that Harry doesn't always know why he's crying.  
-  
\--  
\---  
\--

Harry doesn't tell Louis to come back and live with him. Edward stays. Edward is there every morning and night for a week after his arrival. Harry is okay and he's not thinking about who he loves or how he loves them… except he is, constantly.

Edward wakes Harry up with a gentle shake of his shoulder, "Hazza, wake up. I've got breakfast for you." Harry's eyes flutter open, the bright morning sun making them water a bit and Edward catches the salty tear with the pad of his thumb.  
"M'tired." Harry stretches his arms over his head before throwing the duvet off his body and sitting up.  
"Well, we've got a pretty lax day today, but the boys are coming over to hang out, so get dressed, babe." Harry's not sure whether to hide in his pillow because he just wants to spend the day with Edward, or smile massively because Edward called him 'babe.'  
The choice is not his own because his cheeks feel warm and he turns away to hide it.  
Edward pulls him up from his bed and drags him to the kitchen, he doesn't put up a fight.

Harry scuttles around the house after breakfast and his mind catches up to him. He hates that it never leaves him alone for too long because sometimes he'd just really like to have a blank mind over an endlessly busy one.  
The Louis-Edward debate tickles at the edges of his mind, but mostly it's the sadness again. It curls around the base of him and swirls around until it chokes him and he needs to sit down for a moment. He lets it consume him momentarily, he's tired and worn out and he just needs to not hurt like this anymore.

Edward finds him soon enough, he's sat in the middle of the hallway because he couldn't make it to his bedroom before it all got to be too heavy again.  
"Hazza, babe, what is it?" Harry lifts his chin and sees his brother squatted down in front of him, a worried look on his face and it makes Harry's frowning lips curl even further downward.  
"It's heavy." Edward gets it, even if he doesn't really, he kind of does. He doesn't push or prod or force anything out of him, he just brushes the curls out of his brothers' eyes and nods understandingly.  
"D'you want some tea, bub?" Harry nods slowly, sadly, he's so tired.  
Edward pulls him up and steadies him when he wobbles a little once he's unfurled to his true height. Edward lets him stay close as they walk the short distance to the kitchen and holds his hand as well. Harry hates letting go, hates feeling alone in times like these because that makes it so much worse, the black swirls of the sadness in his mind not only choke but suffocate and punch and kick him when he's all alone and it's so very painful to have to be okay afterwards.  
"I need both hands, bebz." Harry looks away from his brother's pitying eyes and lessens his hold on his hand.  
"Here." Edward turns slightly and takes Harry's arms and wraps them around his torso so Harry's right against his back as he gets everything he needs from the cupboards.  
Harry presses his cheek against the dip between Edward's shoulder blades and feels infinitely better because Edward is home and familiarity and all of the love in the world and Edward gets it even if he doesn't.

Harry is stuck in the suburbs of his sadness for the rest of the day, not dreadfully sad, but it's there and it could consume him and eradicate the air from his lungs at any moment. But Edward lets him sit close and he doesn't let Harry alone any longer than to use the toilet when necessary.  
The boys catch on pretty quickly once they arrive. They walk right in without a knock and Edward practically has Harry cradled in his arms, and would be quite literally holding him like a baby if he wasn't so gangly. Harry's nearly purring with Edward's fingers carding through his hair and he looks so small for someone who once had such a big personality to him. They've never seen this Harry, he's never been the kind of person to curl up in someone's lap and be taken care of like a child. Harry was always helping everyone else and making them laugh with his long pointless stories and tragically awful jokes that were still kind of funny. 

The boys do accept him despite their questions and curiosities. Harry is Harry and he will always be their bandmate and brother because he was before and seeing this side of him doesn't make them love him any less. The day is spent much the same as the first day that Edward arrived, little glances from each of the boys trying to understand the dynamic of the twins and the new version of Harry that they're seeing, but also most of them are busy with their own minds, pondering over Harry and Edward as well as their own lives, concert dates and family visits to make, their lives being anything but slow and easy going keeping their heads occupied.

\---  
\--  
\--  
-

As the days progress, it's clear that Harry isn't going to be coming away from his mind's sadness anytime soon. He's got the weight on his shoulders and the confusion in his brain, caught between talking to Edward about how he's feeling and having to tell him everything, including how he feels about him, and the other thing he could do, which would be… do nothing and pretend to be okay, which, okay, pretty crappy plan but, he doesn't want to lose Edward because of his own messed up feelings and what about the boys? They're accepting now, but where will they draw the line?

All these questions and uncertainties end up with Harry panicking in the shower, shampoo still sudsy in his hair and breathing so ragged he can't get enough air in his lungs to properly breathe.  
He needs his inhaler, he needs someone to help him. With a few attempts at calling out for Edward he finally manages a strangled cry of "EDDIE!" barely loud enough to be heard past the bathroom door, but thank God for Edward's careful ear whenever he's away from Harry because he comes barging into the bathroom and rips the shower curtain open to find Harry curled in on himself on the floor of the shower, head between his knees because that's what he was told to do if he was panicking, and Edward knows that he's not going to get Harry to calm down if he doesn't get his breathing slowed down, so he rushes into Harry's bedroom for his inhaler and runs right back, pulling Harry away from his knees and places the inhaler to his lips before pressing down to let the medicine reach into his lungs. It takes two presses of the inhaler to get Harry to finally get his breathing back under control and Edward stays with him until he's not so wide eyed and scared, and keeps the shampoo out of his eyes as best he can with a majority of the soap still in his curls.

Edward makes Harry stay seated and turns his shower into a bath to get the shampoo out of his brother's hair and then conditions it just like his own. By the time Edward finishes rinsing the conditioner from Harry's hair he's still shaking, his hands trembling in his lap and he just wants to cry because he feels like shit and not only because he's just had a panic attack, but because of what's in his head and how much he knows he's not okay.

Edward gets Harry out of the bath and wraps him in a towel and dries his hair with another, Harry's broken down into tears and broken sobs before Edward can even get Harry into some clothes.  
It's a mess, it's a struggle, it's so fucking difficult and Edward doesn't know if he's doing anything right but his instincts just do it for him, cooing to his brother, trying to calm him down and get him dressed at the same time, slipping a shirt over his shaking shoulders and pulling underwear up his legs, he's never had to take care of anyone this way, not even a baby. He knows Harry probably has no idea what's even happening, is probably so far gone that he doesn't even know his brother is dressing him and just bathed him because he physically could not do it himself, and he knows then and there that he can't let his brother and best friend continue living like this, he won't let him, he won't stand by and watch the person he loves the most in the world crumble from whatever is breaking him apart inside. 

"Harry, babe, let's go watch a movie in the living room." Harry gives a slow distant nod before Edward helps him off the bed and down the hallway to the living room.  
Harry sits himself on the sofa and watches his brother go over to the DVD case by the TV, his brain feels a bit fuzzy with everything happening inside it, a movie sounds like a good idea.  
"What d'you want to watch, Hazza?" Edward's scanning over the films, silently eyeing the ones he's ruling out for Harry to watch right now.  
"Nothing sad, I want happy," Harry's not looking at Edward when he looks over his shoulder to see if he's okay… Harry hasn't been okay for a while. He quickly picks Madagascar 3 out of the extensive collection, something Harry presumably bought for Lux on one of the occasions he'd babysat her, but Edward refuses to put anything on that will take Harry further under than he already is.

Edward takes a place on the sofa next to Harry and lets him cuddle into him, Harry throws his legs over Edward's and snuggles into his side, he'd be sitting in his lap if he wasn't so big and Edward knows it so he slips and arm around his waist and kisses the side of his hair, "Watch the movie, or sleep if you're tired." Harry gives a big heavy sigh and presses against Edward's chest, "Love you, Eddie."  
"I know, H. I love you too." Edward sinks his fingers into Harry's hair and scratches lightly just the way he likes, he keeps it up until Harry's slumped into him with soft even breathes and a relaxed face. He lets his brother be, letting him sleep peacefully while he can, knowing that if his days are this stressful he's probably not getting much sleep either.

While Harry sleeps, Edward begins working out a plan to help Harry and despite Harry's wishes, Edward knows he'll need to seek out the help of a professional because as much as he'd like to help Harry on his own, he knows he can't and he'd rather have Harry annoyed with him and getting help rather then living a miserable life.  
To say that he's afraid of what Harry's reaction will be is an understatement, there's so much that Edward is unsure of because Harry doesn't tell him everything, he tells him a lot, but there are still things that he knows Harry keeps to himself for whatever reason he has to do so, and he's not sure if maybe the reason behind him hiding things will cause a bad reaction. It's not a secret that Harry's got some pent up rage inside him, an anger that accompanies the sadness, but not as strong and present all the time… but it's there and it shows its head sometimes, rarely though. So there's a chance that he'll lash out either on Edward or on himself, and the second possibility scares the absolute shit out of Edward, he doesn't even know what he'd do if he found out Harry hurt himself, he couldn't handle it, couldn't bare it. 

Edward sneaks in a quick text to Louis, letting him know that he wants to take Harry to a professional tomorrow and that he'd like him to come along for support and for the possibility that things may go completely wrong and Harry won't go willingly. He also asks to get in contact with someone who can make an appointment with a professional that can be trusted with Harry's personal life. 

After the text is sent Edward changes the movie to normal T.V. and rearranges both himself and Harry so they're lying down comfortably. Harry snuggles right into his chest once their lying together and Edward rubs his back lightly and hopes he'll sleep the rest of the night without waking because he needs sleep and tomorrow will be a long day if Harry is anything but cooperative.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks to everyone who commented and read my last chapter because I honestly expected it to flop since I went so long without updating. Please continue to comment and let me know how you like it and any suggestions you have. The ship question still stands, so any preference on your part let me know.  
> Thank you so much to the people who've read and commented it seriously makes a huge difference in how often I update.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of short, the next chapter is half done and will be quite long.

It takes an hour to calm Harry down enough to get him into Louis' vehicle, and then on the ride to the psychologist's office Edward has to keep Harry tucked into his side and hands clasped in his own in order to keep the boy from panicking or trying to open the car doors to throw himself out.  
Louis keeps an eye on the twins by glancing back at them from his rear view mirror, seeing the two holding each other and watching the way Harry's face softens and his shoulders visibly relax every time Edward says something to him. The effect Edward has on Harry is astounding, not only to Louis, but to everyone who sees the two together, the reaction Harry has to his brother is intense and the way Edward treats Harry is no less powerful. Harry will completely let go with Edward around and immediately shell up when he's gone, and just the sight of him will have Harry beaming and sparkly eyed. Watching the way Edward approaches Harry is always something Louis catches himself seeking out because he doesn't understand their bond or relationship quite yet. Edward is always so soft and careful with Harry, speaking softly, giving him soft touches to his hair, shoulder, bicep, on his thigh or knee, wherever he can reach and every time Harry sits a little straighter, brightens up more, speaks more confidently. Edward approaches his brother like he knows exactly how to read Harry, like one glance can tell him what Harry needs, a hug, a cuddle, a reassuring pet to the hair, or a string of loving words, Edward gives it to him like it's what he's always been meant to do, it's incredible and bizarre, it feels like anyone else around them is intruding on their moment and they don't even realize how intense they are to others watching on.

Part of Louis wonders if the relationship between Harry and Edward will be apart of the reason for Harry being the way he is, wonders if maybe something has happened between the two to make them so close and so dependent on one another. But mostly he's afraid for them, afraid for Harry because this is a huge thing, for Harry to potentially be told that something is wrong with him or that there is a definite reason for him being the way he is. And he's worried for Edward because he knows that any news of there being something _wrong_ with Harry would destroy him, he's spent his entire life telling Harry that he was normal and he'd be okay and to have that all shattered would hurt both the boys equally.

The boys are able to get to the psychologists' office without being followed or found out by any paps or fans, which all of them take a thankful breath for. It takes some more reassuring words from Edward to get Harry out of the car and into the building for his appointment, and Edward doesn't let go of his hand as they stand in the lift or walk down the hall to the correct office, or even as they sit and wait to hear Harry's name get called.

When Harry is called, he looks at his brother with sad, scared eyes, bottom lip sucked into his mouth and Edward knows this is going to be hard, it's going to hurt his brother so bad if he finds out something about himself that he'd never wanted to be true, but he gives him a strong hug, a reassuring smile and a kiss to the mouth with a whisper of, "I love you so much, I'll be right here when you're done, we'll do whatever you want the rest of the day. Just be honest, tell her all you can and don't be afraid to need me, I'll come in with you if you need me. I love you." Harry's already crying when Edward pulls back, Louis hugs him quickly and tells him, "I'm so proud of you for making it here, so proud of you, Haz, you're going to be okay."  
With that Harry walks toward the woman in a nice pant suit who is holding the door open for him with a paper file in her hands.

The process is long, hours long. Harry stays seated in a big over-cushioned chair with a tremble to his hands and tears in his eyes and a reoccurring crack to his voice as he speaks, but he speaks anyway. He knows how important this is, how much he needs someone to help him, how much it means to Edward for him to be happy again, he doesn't want to disappoint him, he wants his brother to be proud just like Louis said he was.  
The psychologist, Dr. Hulsey, asks him question after question, asks him to go further and dig deep because that's the only way she can help him. She asks him all the questions he's never been asked before, some of them are definite yes', others make him think… that's a stupid question.  
 _Do you find it hard to eat or drink in front of people?_  
 _Do you recognize your fear and know you shouldn't be afraid, but can't control it?_  
 _Would you say you live a solitary lifestyle, prefer to be on your own rather then with others?  
_ _Do you create elaborate ideas in your head, something like an extensive day dream that you feel you float in and out of?_

He finds himself saying yes a lot more then he wanted to, but Edward told him to be honest, so he is. He tells Dr. Hulsey about the sadness and what he means when he says, "I got bad again." He tells her about Edward and how Edward makes it better, makes it go away or just be on the edge of his mind and not at the center. He tells her that he knows it's not okay, but he loves Edward even though he might not be supposed to, tells her he loves Louis too, but it's different and he doesn't know how or why. He tells her that he panics and needs an inhaler when he can't breathe from it all. He tells her that he's trying to be happy, but unknowns make him fall back and being unsure about his Edward-Louis dilemma makes it hard to focus on anything else because he thinks he's a bad person.  
Dr. Hulsey tells him that it's good for him to have someone like Edward, someone who can calm him and make the sadness go away. She says that while what he feels for Edward is taboo, it's not unheard of and it doesn't make him a bad person. She tells him about the mythology of twins being romantically involved, tells him it's more common then he may think because people just don't talk about it. She says that panic attacks from being overwhelmed or scared aren't uncommon either and that it's good for him to have an inhaler, she shares some breathing exercises with him for when he feels himself panicking. She reassures him that he's going to be okay, is okay, but sometimes things can be too much and it's hard to cope. 

"So, um, do- do you think that there is something wrong with me?" His hands are shaking again, badly, so he grips his thighs tight enough that he can feel his fingernails biting into his skin through his jeans.  
"From what you've told me, I've picked up on some key things that tell me there is an explanation, I have a diagnosis that I'd like to investigate more with you. Would you like Edward to be with you when I explain?" Dr. Hulsey isn't a stranger to her patients' tears so when Harry's cheeks glisten with more fallen tears she's not surprised, but something about Harry is so different from everyone that she's worked with, he's rare and his diagnosis just proves that even more.  
"Yeah, yeah I want him now." Dr. Hulsey nods and gets up to get Edward from the waiting room.

When Dr. Hulsey returns with Edward, Harry's put his head between his knees because his breathing started to come too fast and this was one of the exercises he was told to do if that happened.  
Edward plants himself in front of Harry, both hands on his brother's knees and waits a moment before taking Harry's hands from where they're gripping his hair far too hard to be painless.  
"Harry, I'm right here, just breathe, in and out," Harry does, listens as Edward's voice repeats _in and out, in and out_.  
His breathing comes back, his mind slows down a bit, enough for him to sit up and look at Edward and let him wipe his wet cheeks, he even smiles a tiny little thankful smile as Edward says, "Good boy, so good, Hazza." He thinks his blush is well hid from his already pink cheeks he'd gotten from crying and panicking.

Edward squishes himself into the same chair as Harry, each boy half on top of the other and Dr. Hulsey is smiling at them now, amused by their position in the chair, and partially because she can see how dramatically Harry changed when Edward made an appearance, the way he had immediately been there for Harry and knew exactly what to do to calm him down and get him to smile, she couldn't help but be a bit amazed by their dynamic. 

"Okay, we're ready. You can tell us now." Edward grabs Harry's hand in his and they both press into each other's sides until nothing could possibly slip through them.  
"Well, as far as I've been able to see, Harry is in good health, but there is an explanation for what you two call 'the sadness.' It's not a common thing for any psychologist to see, I've personally never had a patient with this diagnosis, so we may need to have a few more sessions to work out a good helpful plan for Harry. Everything I've concluded from our extensive day today adds up perfectly to…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Left you with a cliff hanger, but the next chapter is already being written so, don't get to mad.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, sorry for the cliff hanger last time, but I hope this makes up for it a bit. Comments are always appreciated, I definitely take your advice to heart as I write, so don't be afraid to let me know what you want out of this or think of it so far.
> 
> Not proofed yet, but i'll do it soon.

"…Everything I've concluded from our extensive day today adds up perfectly to…" Harry can feel both himself and Edward take a breath and hold it for what's coming, the reminder of Edward's "I love you" from the beginning of the day flashes across his mind to calm him.  
"…SPD, it stands for Schizoid Personality Disorder." Harry chances a look to Edward, wants to see his face, see if he's mad at him or disappointed or upset at him for having a disorder, a personality disorder at that. But Edward is looking at him in just the right way, concerned, but soft enough that he knows he's not mad or disappointed. A squeeze to his hand lets him know that Edward isn't leaving him, he's going to be okay.  
"So what does that mean then?" Harry thanks every God for the presence of his brother because he's not sure he could make words if he tried.  
"Well, SPD is comparatively rare, most Schizoid's usually assume that there is something different about them and don't go on to be properly diagnosed. SPD is defined by a lack of interest in social relationships, meaning not seeking out friendships or romantic relationships, preferring to do things that allow them to be independent. People with SPD usually live more in their heads then in the real world, day dreams that make up for what they don't have, hypothetical situations where they have a friend or a different career, like another life they can escape to. This also explains Harry's behaviors on a day to day basis, being timid and sensitive, being nervous or excited about small things, being shy about sharing feelings. There are different types of Schizoids, most are unsocial, serious or emotionally cold, but Harry seems to take on the rare form of SPD that makes him more sensitive to everything, feeling more and being overwhelmed by it."

"So what does that mean then, is there anything you can do to help him? Does he need to be on medication?" Harry can feel his hand wanting to shake at the question, but the grip Edward has on him keeps him steady.  
"There's not a cure for SPD, but medication can help, although it's not always successful. Therapy is also an option. However, I think that Harry may have some social anxiety," Dr. Hulsey turns to Harry as she says, "You said that going new places to meet new people makes you feel overwhelmed far before the event comes up and gets worse as it gets closer, also eating in front of people, you said you will only eat in public if a specific few people are there, your band mates or Edward seemed to be the people you could be comfortable around… I'd like to see if a prescription for an anxiety medicine could help you. I'll give you a prescription for Xanax to take if you feel overwhelmed or like a panic attack is coming on, it will act fast and calm you, it may make you tired, so if your feeling overwhelmed before bed and can't find a way to sleep without taking it, it is okay, but it is a benzodiazepine, so it's habit forming. I only want you to take them when absolutely necessary, try your breathing exercises and try to have Edward there if he can be, he knows how to calm you and that's what you need. Use an inhaler to get your breathing back, but take a Xanax if you need to. Don't be afraid of the pill, don't depend on it, I'm only giving you a few to keep the intake at a minimum."

"Is there anything else we can do? I just feel like he's still going to be carrying this around and Xanax isn't going to help him day to day." Harry looks away from Edward, doesn't like the frown on his lips or the line between his eyebrows, it resembles disappointment too much.  
"It'd be beneficial for Harry to communicate more, share ideas and feelings and actions without feeling judged. Try to be around more people for longer periods of time, it will be hard because your instinct will be to be on your own or one on one with someone, but it will be good for you to challenge your anxiety and try to get some control over it, so to say."  
"That… That actually sounds good, think we could do that, Haz?" Harry nods, the smile on his brother's face replaces the frown he wore a minute before.  
"Good, looks like I'll be staying with you for a while then. Might have to take me on tour." Harry beams, he lights up like a beacon, he's always wanted Edward to come with him, "Yes, I would love you to be on tour with me." Edward ruffles his hair and gives him a big smile.

Dr. Hulsey stands as their session ends and tells Harry to call if he needs to talk, any time. She gives him a few papers on SPD and anxiety so he can understand it himself and explain it to others if need be. He takes her card and puts the number in his phone right away. She tells Harry to go to the waiting room, she wants a word with Edward before they leave.

Edward stands in front of Dr. Hulsey, hands clasped in front of him patiently, "You're not going to tell me something bad are you?"  
"No, no, not at all. I just wanted to talk to you about some of the things that go along with Harry having SPD. I'm sure you know how sensitive he is, and that he'll never be someone with a lot of friends. But I want you to understand that you can't push him, most likely he'll never seek out a friendship, not unless he's approached first. Pushing him won't help him, it will make him recoil. Encourage him and let him know that he has your support, but don't push him into going somewhere he feels uncomfortable or make him talk to someone he doesn't want to, since he's struggling with anxiety, it'll make him panic. I told you to try to get him to communicate and share more, but I'd also like you to try a reward system. For each thing he does well, a reward is received. I trust you know what works best for him, what is a reward for him, so if he opens up to you or shares a secret or a feeling you can try rewarding him subtly, it'll reinforce that what he's doing is a good thing and not scary. He trusts you, he relies on you a lot, which is rare for a person with SPD, so please be there for him. Understand and try your best to even when you don't."  
Edward nods, "I… I'll never leave him. I'll do everything I can for him, I'm going to do everything you said if it can help him."  
Dr. Hulsey smiles, "Good, thank you for being here with him today. It helped him a lot. I'll give you my number as well, just in case you need advice for Harry or are struggling with everything yourself." Edward takes her card and slips it into his pocket, making a note to put the number into his phone when he gets home. He shakes Dr. Hulsey's hand and exits the room to find Harry again.

 

Harry and Louis are talking when Edward walks into the waiting room, Louis seems to be listening intently as Harry tries to explain what the doctor said.  
Louis looks up when Edward approaches and Harry is quick to turn around and smile hugely at him.  
"Well, we've got to go pick up your prescription, bub, then we can do anything you want."  
"I want… I want to go somewhere nice for lunch, and… I'd like to go shopping, maybe for shoes." Edward laughs and ruffles his hair before Harry stands, "Alright Hazza, a nice lunch and new shoes it is."  
Harry practically skips to the car, a huge smile on his face and eyes bright, Edward would give anything to have this side of Harry always be there, keep him safe and protected from whatever hurts him inside, he'd do anything to keep all the sadness away just to see Harry smile and bounce around like a happy kid.

After they pick up Harry's prescription they do just as Harry had asked to do. The three boys make their way into a small cafe/diner of Harry's choosing.  
Edward sits next to Harry and Louis sits opposite them. The air around them is a little thick with all the questions each boy wants to ask but isn't sure if he should. Harry's twitchy next to Edward, leg bouncing and hands wringing in his lap nervously, Edward catches it right away, setting a hand on Harry's thigh and rubbing his thumb soothingly back and forth, eventually Harry's hands stop moving so much and he's calm enough to pick up his menu.  
They all flip through the menu's, working out a way in their heads to ease the tension and ease them all through the day.  
Eventually Harry speaks up, with his menu still hiding his face he clears his throat, "Um… do you guys think that I'm… that I'm not um… do you think I'm weird now?" His voice is soft and a little shaky as he speaks. He puts his menu down slowly, big eyes peaking over the edge at first, assessing the reaction on Louis' face from across the table, it's easier to look at him, Edward's reaction would hurt too much if it was bad.  
Louis' face is contorted a bit, eyebrows scrunched together and eyes serious, Harry immediately looks away as his menu connects with the table.  
"You're not weird, Harry." It's Louis, Harry still doesn't look up, it's not enough.  
Edward takes the reins when he senses that maybe Louis can't help Harry like he did when they first met, it breaks his heart… but part of him is relieved, to be needed by Harry, to be the one who knows him best, to show other people that they can't do what he does for him, he thinks maybe that's a little twisted, but doesn't dwell on it. 

Edward is quick to turn all his attention to Harry, "Harry, will you please look at me?" Harry kind of turns into his shoulder, he feels judged, feels not good enough, his mind tells him he's not great and it hurts.  
"Hazza, babe, please look at me, sweetheart," Harry lifts his head at the new pet name, Edward makes a mental note that pet names are good for him.  
"See, look at that, good boy," Harry's cheeks go pink and he moves to hide his face again, "don't hide, Hazza. Please." Harry nods in agreement.  
Louis watches on from across the table, astounded by this Harry he's really never seen before, not this way. Part of him feels like he's intruding, looking in on something he's not supposed to by how intimate and serious the moment between the two boys in front of him is.  
"You're not weird, love. Nobody thinks you're weird, not me, not Lou, nobody. We love you, no matter what. The only thing that's changed today is that we now know what's going on inside your head, we can understand it more and help you. You're no different to me from this morning, I still love you, bub, you're still you. Do you understand that? That I still love you and it doesn't matter what you are or have according to the doctor, you had it before we just didn't know, I loved you then and I love you now. You believe me?"  
Harry's eyes are so big and serious and his bottom lip is tucked between his teeth as he nods, he lets his lip go as he continues to look at Edward, "Believe you." His voice is so timid, he even looks like he could shake apart, Louis' never seen him so vulnerable, but Edward has, Edward knows this Harry, knows he's telling the truth when he says he believes him, but he's still not completely okay.  
Louis feels himself hold his breath as Edward reaches out to Harry and cups his face, runs his thumb over his cheek and leans in, he presses a soft kiss to Harry's lips and lets it linger longer then usual, but by the time he pulls away Harry's cheeks are a lovely shade of pink, his eyes are sparkly and he's smiling like he's holding back a dopey grin.  
"You're going to be okay, sweetheart, we'll talk more at home, yeah?" Harry nods and scoots closer to Edward to show him what he wants to order, Edward just smiles at him and tells him to pick what he wants to drink too. Louis' trying to focus on his menu, but his mind is racing. He wants to call Liam and ask him if he knows about this, if he thinks it's weird for Harry and Edward to kiss, if he should say something. Part of him is pissed off that Harry surrenders himself to Edward so easily because Harry's never done that with him before… he tries not to see it as jealousy, that wouldn't be good, he's got a girlfriend and he loves her. But, the other part of him thinks that it's good for Harry to have Edward, he knows how to help Harry in a way that no one else knows how, the little voice in his head tells him, _you'd never know how to help Harry like that._ He knows it's true, but it still feels like a slap to the face, his own brain telling him he's not as much of a friend as he thought he was isn't something he'd ever want to take the blow of, it hurts.

Once their drinks come Harry is quiet, but not in a bad way, he's had a long day already and needs to be in his head for a while… Edward understands and lets him be.  
After a while, Louis asks if Harry would tell him about what Dr. Hulsey said, but he just shakes his head no, he doesn't want to talk.  
Edward steps in, "Why don't you want to tell him? Are you afraid?"  
Harry shakes his head, "Don't want to talk, Eddie. You do it."  
Edward knows it's already been a long day for him, knows it's going to be even longer through shopping and their inevitable talk tonight so he doesn't push.  
"Okay. Thank you for telling me, that's really good, just like the doctor said." Harry gives a small nod of acknowledgment but turns to his drink right after, it doesn't take long for him to space out into his head.

Edward begins telling telling Louis more about what the doctor said, trying to break it down so it's not so confusing.  
"He's okay, Louis. I know you're not used to seeing this side of him, but this is who he was when we were growing up, so I suppose I'm not as distraught as you are. We're lucky he even told me he didn't want to talk, you know? He normally would've just shut down, blocked me out like he did to our mum when he was little." Edward looks over to his brother, checking to make sure he's still okay, not wringing his hands or looking anxious… he's okay.  
"So… I get that this is him, he's not going to change, I guess part of me doesn't understand why he was so different when I met him, and uh.. also, what is happening with him right now? He looks like he's not all here." Louis' knee is bouncing, nervous, scared of saying the wrong thing with Harry right there and Edward so protective.  
"Right now? He's in his head. It's like… kind of like a coping mechanism for him I suppose. He's never liked being around more than one person at a time, social situations always made him shut down, wouldn't talk at all, he'd just stay close to me and I usually could read him well enough to know what he needed. He used to kind of space out when he would be in a social situation, he's told me that it makes him calm, allows him to be there and not feel anxious. He used to say he had another place to go to, where everything is under his control and nothing goes wrong, it's an escape." Edward takes Harry's hand in his under the table, letting him know he's still there and he's okay. Harry doesn't move or say anything, a light squeeze of his fingers around Edward's is enough.  
"So, is he aware of what's going on right now? He's listening? Like… um, wow, I don't know what to ask, I just want to know where he is I guess?" Louis' eyes keep flicking over to Harry, checking to see if he's paying attention or even if he's moved-- he hasn't.  
"He's aware, he knows I'm here and I guess he wouldn't space if I wasn't here because he knows other people wouldn't help him if he needed it. He doesn't like being left alone if he's spaced while I'm with him, I don't know why, but it's just what I know from experience. He can hear us, just chooses not to. He's here, he'll answer you if you ask him to come back, but it's his choice if he does, he won't listen to everyone. Won't listen to mum if it happens when she's around, would never listen to Robin either, or our real dad. He once listened to a teacher in school, but he told me it was because he was scared and thought someone was going to hurt him."  
"So just you then, really? I guess I don't understand it all, but I mean, he's got to have a lot of trust in you if you're the only one he listens to." Louis' stomach twists at that, he's never been good at admittance even if it's not blatant admittance, he hates that he's not trusted by Harry like Edward is, even if he can understand why.  
Edward just nods at him as an answer, their food comes and breaks the conversation for a while. Edward has to get Harry to eat, so Louis watches as he asks Harry to leave his head.  
"Hazza, can you eat for me? I'd love it if you'd eat for me, can you come back and do that?" Harry doesn't answer for a minute so Edward tries again, "Haz, I need you to come back for me, sweetie, please come back for me. Babe, c'mon, you're okay, I've got you, c'mon back for me, darling." Harry turns his head and blinks at Edward,  
"Hi." Harry's voice shocks Louis, he sounds happy and excited, his eyes are happy too, it makes Louis wonder what he was thinking about for so long.  
"Good boy, Hazza. Eat your lunch, yeah?" Harry nods and turns to his food without complaint.

Edward catches Louis watching Harry, his eyes going from his food to Harry like he's not sure he's okay.  
"He's okay, Lou." Louis looks away then and focuses on his food until his plate is relatively empty.

Harry pats Edward on the leg when he's ready to go, he knows he still doesn't want to talk if he doesn't have to so he doesn't make him. Getting Harry comfortable around people again isn't going to be easy and he doesn't want to spoil it by pressing the matter too hard too fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has any questions about SPD or Anxiety feel free to message me. SPD is rare and there's more to it then social awkwardness and anxiety, please don't go diagnosing yourself with it without further research. If any of you need anyone to talk to about anything in this fic or in any others I've written feel free to message me. If you're triggered by any of the content in this fic please let me know and I'll put a warning in my tags.  
> Thank you for reading. xx


	9. Chapter 9

They all go shopping together, on the hunt for some new shoes for Harry, but after an hour Harry's got two new pairs of jeans, four new shirts, and a coat, but no shoes.  
Harry's tired and needs to be on his own for a while, he's had too much today and Edward knows, senses it as Harry gets quieter and less responsive when they're in shops, and then he stops answering Louis all together, Edward knows they need to hurry it along and get Harry home.  
He lets Harry try on a pair of boots on his own and pulls Louis aside for a quick second, out of ear-shot from Harry.  
"Hey, we need to get going. Harry needs to be alone for a bit." Louis gives him a look like he doesn't understand.  
"Did he say something? Is he okay?" There's a worried edge to Louis' voice, so much of him doesn't understand Harry anymore and it makes him nervous.  
"No, I can tell. He wouldn't say anything, he's just getting quiet and doesn't want to respond to things anymore. He's okay, he just needs to be alone to recharge. He's had a long day." Edward pats Louis' shoulder, a reassurance that Harry is okay, but they need to leave.  
"Yeah, let's get going then."   
They go back to Harry, he's staring at the boots on his feet seriously, trying to decide if he wants them or not.  
"You like the shoes, love?" Harry snaps his head up at Edward's voice, the quickest reaction he's had for about an hour.  
Harry nods, "Like 'em, Eddie. Can I have them?" Louis thinks his heart's just shattered, this Harry is so different and the fact that he's asking if he can buy the boots just proves that. The Harry he knows has always been independent, able to do whatever he wants, he was never the guy that needed everyone's input on a decision or a purchase, he feels so far away from Harry now, he wants to understand.  
"Yeah, babe, if you like them you should get them. Do you want to wear them out? Put your old shoes in the box?" Harry's eyes light up and he smiles so big, it's hard for both Edward and Louis not to compare it to a child's behavior, Edward seems to be used to the excited reaction Harry has, and Louis knows that that's a part of the SPD because Harry had told him in the waiting room after his appointment, but seeing it, seeing the excitement over something so small makes his heart hurt a bit, makes it all real, confirms that there is something in Harry that he may never understand completely.  
Harry is nodding at his brother happily, so pleased he gets the boots and gets to wear them home, so Edward puts his old shoes in a box and straightens out Harry's jeans over his new boots. Takes care of him so well, that too makes Louis' heart hurt, for both boys. Edward has a lot of responsibility he never signed up for, helps his brother is so many small ways and he doesn't have to, but he does anyway. Harry trusts his brother so much and Louis knows that Edward is the only person he trusts completely and wholeheartedly, he finds it hard to imagine putting so much into one person and only have one person that way, for him he has a handful, his family, the boys, a couple of friends back home, it's hard for him to grasp, having so few people to reach out to, he's always had loads of friends, the idea of just one seems foreign to him. 

"Okay, c'mon, let's buy the boots and then we can go home, you want to go home, babe?" Harry nods and slips his wallet out of his back pocket only to put it in Edward's hands. Edward doesn't say anything, just takes it and lets Harry stand right behind him as he buys the boots for him.

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Louis drops the boys off at Harry's house and leaves to his own, knows Harry isn't up for talking or being around people so he lets them go and ponders over calling Liam to talk about everything he'd done today and maybe ask him some questions about the Harry/Edward thing.

Once Harry and Edward get home Edward tells Harry he'll put his stuff away for him, Harry just nods with a little smile before he takes his new boots off and walks away.  
Edward knows that Harry needs to be alone, away from even him, so he gives him space. Edward looks through the papers the doctor gave Harry, reads everything carefully so he doesn't miss anything, then he goes online to search for more information, tries to find case studies or any forums for advice on how to handle helping someone with SPD and anxiety. Mostly he just finds things on anxiety, reads what people have written on their own anxiety and what they feel they need when they're panicking or having an anxiety attack.   
What he finds on SPD is a disappointing, most of the information is exactly what the doctor gave him, he knows the doctor said it was rare, but it doesn't make him feel any better about the lack of knowledge he has on the topic.  
He keeps digging, trying to find something, anything to help him help Harry. He thinks maybe this is what panicking feels like, feels like you've lost control and are lost. The twist in his stomach tells him he's probably right, he quickly sets his laptop down and takes deep breaths, the realization that he's crying doesn't come until he presses the heels of his palms to his eyes and feels that his face is wet.

Harry walks in quietly, finds Edward with his head in his hands and shoulders shaking, he's quick to be at his brother's side.  
"Eddie, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" Even through his shaky breathing and crying Edward can hear the worry in Harry's voice, he doesn't want to scare him so he takes his hands away from his face and looks at him.  
"I'm just worried about you, baby. I was trying to find more on SPD and there's nothing, I want to help you, I want to help you so badly and I don't know if or how I can. I don't know if I'm doing a good job half the time, I want to be there for you, all the time and I want to let you know that I'll never leave, but I want to do a good job, Hazza. I'm so sorry I can't find anything, I'm trying, I'm trying so hard for you." His voice breaks as a cry rips through him, he feels like a failure for not being able to help Harry, it's all he's ever wanted to do, to make sure Harry was okay and happy and safe.  
"Eddie," Harry's voice is trembling, Edward knows he's scared because he's only cried in front of Harry a few times in all of their time together and most of them were when Harry had to leave home to go on tour once One Direction was formed.  
"It's okay, love, I'm okay. I'm so sorry, don't be scared, I'm okay." Edward takes Harry's hand and holds it tight, hopes the contact will calm him a little, both of them.  
"No, Eddie, don't pretend if you're not okay." Edward looks to Harry, sees that Harry really needs him to be honest with him so he nods and lets himself cry a little more, lets Harry crawl on top of him and put himself in his lap and hold onto him like an octopus.   
He can't help but laugh, Harry's long gangly body holding his own body, equally as long and gangly, he knows they look ridiculous, knows that Harry is trying his best to comfort him and it works in it's own silly way.  
Harry smiles up at him when he hears him laugh, his own eyes wet too now, Edward wipes them dry with his thumbs.

"Y'alright, love?" Harry nods, "Yeah, don't like it when you're sad Eddie, I've got enough sad for both of us, don't want you to have any."  
It takes a lot for him not cry again, he takes a deep breath in and out and holds Harry a little tighter, "Sorry, baby, I just got overwhelmed. I want to do a good job, I don't want you to get too bad like before."  
Harry snuggles into Edward's chest and wiggles around so their legs tangle comfortably on the sofa, "I know, Eddie. I'm better with you here. You're doing a good job, I promise. Everything is easier with you there, makes me feel safe."  
Edward presses a kiss to Harry's hair before he speaks again, wants to be careful with what he wants to ask of him.  
"Hazza, would you tell me what you need from me? Tell me how I can help you or what helps already or what hurts you, makes you feel anxious and scared? Tell me how you're feeling right now, about the appointment and… just as much as you can?"  
Harry looks up at him, cheek squished against his sweater clad chest, "Yeah Eddie, but I need you to ask the questions, s'too much to decide what to say."  
Edward runs a hand through Harry's hair and scratches because it's always been a good way to keep him calm and he needs Harry to be calm with him for this.  
"You just did a good job, sweetheart, telling me I need to ask the questions and why… that's good." Harry smiles lightly pressing his face into Edward's chest to hide his warm cheeks.

"So, I'll start with asking what makes you panic? Can I ask that?" Edward knows how careful he has to be with Harry, knows there are things Harry may never tell him and that he'll have to skirt around the edges of those things in order to help him.  
"S'okay. Want a list or um… I don't know?" Harry's fingers fiddle with Edward's jumper a bit, nervousness.  
"Can you list and tell me why they scare you or make you anxious?" Harry nods.  
"I don't like it when people leave me alone without telling me where they're going 'cause I don't know if I should go with or if they don't want me, I like to know where they are too, so I don't have to worry and think about it until they get back."  
"So, I'll tell you where I'm going all the time, and do you want the boys to know this stuff too?"  
"Um… not all, maybe just the big things in case you're not around?"  
"Okay, anything you want, Haz. Go on."  
Harry smiles lightly to himself and tucks his head under Edward's chin, "Don't like having lots of people talking at me at once, 'cause I don't know who to answer, makes me scared I'll mess up. I don't want to be embarrassed, that makes me feel panicky, and I don't like eating in public without you or one of the boys, I don't know why, I just don't like it with anyone else, makes me not want to eat or I feel sick. And… and I don't like it when people are too loud for no reason, it's okay at shows, when I know why, but I don't like yelling or shouting for no reason because I want to not be there when it's loud but I know people will think I'm weird if I cover my ears or get upset about it, I don't want people to think I'm stupid."  
"Hey, nobody is going to think you're stupid. I understand all of those things and I'll do my best to make sure they don't happen or that I'm there with you when they do to help you, you're not stupid, love. You're not stupid at all." Harry's fingers run over the knit pattern of Edward's jumper, keeping him calm and focused on something.  
"Is there more? That scares you?"  
"Yeah, but I can't think of them all. Can you ask a new question, please?" Harry looks up at him with big worried eyes, the ones he gets when he's not sure if what he's doing or saying is okay, the same ones that make Edward want to wrap him in seven duvets and protect him from everything bad in the world.  
"'course I can. How about what helps, what am I doing right already? I want to know what's good."  
"When you're in front of me when I'm scared or panicking, helps to see you. When you touch me, that helps, 'cause sometimes I feel lost and it helps me know I'm okay, but um… I don't want anyone else to touch me when I'm scared because I know when it's you and when it's not, it's not the same when it's not you." Harry's cheeks are hot, he can feel himself blushing from his face to his chest and ears talking about all of this.  
"I won't let anybody touch you. Anything else, babe?" Edward's fingers twist pieces of Harry's hair around and then continue scratching at his scalp softly.  
"Um… that, when you call me those things, I like that. It helps all the time, even when I'm not scared, it helped today, during lunch when I was spacey and you wanted me to eat, it made me hear you better, makes me feel safer and happy." Edward kisses Harry's forehead when he looks up at him, he knows he's checking to see if Edward is okay with what he said and needs reassurance that it's okay with him.  
He also notes the change a kiss of the forehead brings, Harry's eyes brighten and he smiles, cheeks a warm pink as he presses his face down to Edward's chest again. He knows Harry won't say anything about the kisses, won't admit how much they help, so he keeps it to himself but doesn't forget.  
"I like giving you pet names too, so we'll keep doing them. Anything else?"  
"I liked that you let me space at lunch, I felt better after. And I like that you always stay close, or let me stay close you and you don't get mad. When I was slipping I wanted to be close to the boys sometimes, I didn't like them leaving and they didn't know what I was doing and they told me to back off, they got mad 'cause they thought I was hovering. I just… I know that I'll be alone eventually and I feel like I need to soak up closeness for then? I like being alone, but not lonely and sometimes I feel lonely with everyone around 'cause there's too much happening and I feel lost kind of. I like that you let me follow you and don't get mad, I don't like it when you leave. I worry that I'll get bad when you leave, even though I know I shouldn't 'cause you're just in another room, but sometimes it gets bad in my head and I need to go where you are and be close."  
"You're doing so good, babe, thank you so much for telling me all this. D'you want to keep going? We can talk tomorrow too, are you tired?" The hands in Harry's hair keep up their soothing motions, his eyes feel a little heavy with it, "M'tired, but um… one more."  
"Alright, you can say, love."  
"It helps when you tell me when I do good, or when you need me to do better because um… I don't know sometimes. Everyone thinks I know what to do and say, but I don't, I don't like it when people don't let me know what they want because there's too much I'm unsure of. It helps when you tell me, especially when I'm panicking or even after I spaced, when you told me I was good when I came back. Sometimes when I come back I feel scared because I forget what's actually happening and I block out noise so coming back is loud sometimes and it helped when you told me I did good, that you were right in front of me too. And you held my hand, that made me feel safer."  
"You did do good, then and now. Thank you for telling me, I feel like I'll be able to help you more now, like I know what to do. Do you want to talk more tomorrow? We can have a day in for you, if you like?" Harry is nodding before he's even got all of the questions out.   
"Okay, tomorrow is for us then. Let's got to bed now, up now you big lug." Harry giggles as he clambers off Edward, they stumble to Harry's bedroom and strip down to their underwear before crawling into the same bed.   
"This helps too, makes me less nervous and I can sleep better." Harry's voice is quiet and timid, Edward knows it's scary for Harry to open up as much as he has today so he pulls him close and lets him put his head on his chest and wrap around him.  
"What are you nervous about before bed, sweetheart?"  
"The next day. I don't know what will happen and I don't like not knowing."  
"S'okay, tomorrow will be good. I've got you, baby boy." Edward can feel the warmth of Harry's cheek on his chest but doesn't mention it, just locks it into his brain that "baby boy" and "sweetheart" seem to be favorites of Harry's.  
"I know you do. I love you, Eddie."  
"I love you too, Hazza. Go to sleep now."


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so I've been pretty shitty about updating, but I've got loads of stuff happening. Seriously, college sucks, don't do it. I've also got a knee injury that currently has me lying on a sofa for most of my days. Please forgive my absence and enjoy this new chapter, let me know what you think!

Edward makes two cups of tea for he and Harry, tries to wake himself up while the tea bags steep in their cups. He knows how much Harry will need him today, that he'll have to give his full attention to Harry and continue to let him know that he's not going to judge him or leave him. He'll have to make sure he uses reinforcement system so Harry knows what he's doing is good and that he should continue being open and honest.

 

Once the tea is done and cool enough to drink Edward brings it back to Harry's bed room, a cup of tea is always a welcome way to wake the boy up without getting too much fuss from him.

Edward runs a hand through the sleeping boys' hair, coaxing him out of his slumber as delicately as possible, it only takes a moment before Harry's blinking awake with a happy smile and sleep puffy eyes, "Hi, Eddie." His voice is breathy for a second before it breaks into a rough sleep induced tone.

Edward smiles at his brother, "Hey, love. I made you some tea, will you sit up for me?" Harry nods and pushes himself up against the headboard of the bed.

Edward hands a cup to Harry and then sits beside him with his own tea, they sip in silence for few minutes, Edward letting Harry wake up a bit more on his own.

 

Harry sets his cup down on his nightstand after drinking a good portion of his tea, he shifts on the bed, angling himself toward Edward. It's an unconscious movement, habitual after so many years around him.

"D'you think that we could maybe go out today?" Edward looks at him, his voice shy enough for him to know that Harry's genuinely asking and if Edward were to say no, he wouldn't complain despite what he wants himself.

"Yeah, 'course we can, love. Are you not in the mood to talk?" Edward is always hesitant to ask Harry those kinds of questions, when he was younger he used to get upset over them, and now that they're older it's something that could go either way, Harry will either be just fine with the questions or get defensive and curl into himself like he's expecting to be hit.

"No, I want to talk… but it's easier to tell you when it feels less big? Like not such a big deal?" Harry's fiddling with the hem of the duvet, his tired eyes are focused solely on the act as a way to distract himself enough to not get anxious.

"That's fine, babe. We'll do it however you want, okay? Whatever makes it easier for you, and just so you know, telling me that was really good, you know that?" It's hard for Edward not to smile a little at the blush that paints Harry's cheeks and the tips of his ears. Harry nods, more as a way of acknowledging Edward's praise.

"Harry, please look at me?" Harry does, slowly turns his head to face Edward, eyes darting all over and a pout on his lips.

"Telling me these things, what hurts and what helps it's so good, love. It's so good for you to open up like this, it's going to help us so much. I'll be able to help you when you're panicking, when you're anxious, or when it's just a bad day, and I'll even be able to help in keeping all of that away, if I know how to keep the bad stuff away I can help give you good days. If we keep being open we can get the good days to outnumber the bad days, yeah?"

Harry nods again, his eyes a little distant as he does so, Edward knows it's all probably a bit too much too early so he's probably in-between being there with him and spacing out in his head for a calm, anxious-free moment.

 

"Harry? Baby, hey, it's okay, come back to me now, it's okay. We'll be done for now, just come back for me." Edward's got Harry's face in his hands, eyes searching the other boys' slightly hazy ones, Harry's not listening to him so he knows it'll take a little more than a request for him to break away from the calm in his head.

"Harry, sweetheart please come back for me. Baby, I'm right here, come back to me. I need you to come back, sweetheart." Harry blinks, but his eyes are still have that hazy look, just a little less distant than before, like Harry's listening, but doesn't know if he wants to respond to Edward's words yet.

"Sweetie, I know you can hear me, please come back. I need you, darling. Please come back to me." Edward's voice is more pleading now, it usually doesn't take Harry so long to detach himself from what's in his head and there's always a part of Edward that is terrified that there could be a time when Harry doesn't come back at all.

Edward just holds him, the soft skin of Harry's cheeks under his fingers, there's not much else he can do to get Harry back if he hasn't responded to him asking three times so he shuffles himself up against the headboard a bit more, taking Harry with him, pulling his body into his lap and letting his head fall onto his chest.

Edward cards his fingers through his brothers' hair, brushes it back off his face and presses a kiss to his forehead, he can feel Harry's fingers trying to grip onto something, they're fumbling blindly at Edward's stomach, like he wants to grab onto the shirt he's not wearing.

"Baby, I know you're there, just listen to me and come back. Please come back, sweetie." Harry doesn't respond, it's a terrifying moment for Edward, thinking he can't help Harry, that he may not come back. He does his best to be a comfort for him, holding him and lightly rocking him back and forth, trying his best to make reality as calming as what's in his head so he won't be afraid to come back.

He continues with soft words, running his fingers through his hair, "I love you, Harry. I love you so much, baby, please come back. I need you Harry, I need you to come back to me." He presses a kiss to Harry's hair and immediately feels Harry's fingers scrabble for something to hold onto against the naked skin of his ribs.

It clicks that the only response he's gotten since Harry's spaced is when he's kissed him, it's an odd realization, knowing that this is what it's going to take to get Harry back to him, that this is what he needs from him.

Edward doesn't hesitate though, once the realization hits him he's quick to get Harry back, pulling Harry up closer to him and angling them both so Edward can keep a hold on Harry and still pepper kisses onto his face. He lays a kiss on Harry's temple and waits for the response that comes in the form of Harry grabbing onto his side, he presses another to his cheek and gets a tight squeeze on his side from Harry's grip on him. 

"Baby, please, you're okay, I've got you, I love you, come back to me, sweetie." Edward presses his lips to Harry's cheek again, then jaw and chin, feeling the tight squeezes on his side every time, Harry's breathing is quick, like he's fighting to come back to Edward. 

He whines, a little sad sound and Edward wants to cry for him, knows that Harry's probably scared inside his head for the first time ever and he's trying to come back the best he can.

Edward kisses him, right on the mouth, cups Harry's face in one hand and keeps his other arm tight around him as he keeps his lips soft on Harry's for longer than he normally would if he were to kiss him to comfort him.

Harry whines again, louder and Edward can feel him move, hands grabbing at him desperately as he comes back.

Harry's deep breath accompanied by the quick movement of his head jerking back and then quickly falling onto Edward's chest tells him that Harry's back.

 

"Harry, hi baby, you're okay, I've got you. You're okay. I'm so happy you're back, so happy, baby." Edward's hold on Harry is so tight his arms hurt with it, but he's not letting up. Harry's snuffling into his neck, nosing at the crook of it like he's trying to get as close as he possibly can to being bound with him.

"You don't have to be scared, sweetie, I won't let anything bad happen to you. I promise, baby. I love you. I love you so much, Harry. I've got you, I'm right here." Harry's hands fumble around for a few moments before they find Edward's arms and make their way up around his neck and Harry's literally on top of him, covering Edward's body with his own.

Edward laughs lightly, like the night before when Harry tried comforting him by doing the same thing.

"Harry, baby, I'm okay. You're okay too. Can you look at me? Can I see you?" At first Harry doesn't move, he takes a deep breath and then very slowly pulls himself away from Edward, making gradual space between their faces until they can properly see each other without the other being blurry with closeness.

"Good boy, look at you, you're so good. How do you feel, love?" Edward brushes the messy curls out of Harry's face and keeps his hand in his hair to keep them from falling into his eyes.

"M'okay now. I was scared, Eddie. I didn't mean to go, and… and it was okay at first but, um then I heard you and I wanted to come back 'cause you said you needed me to, and then I knew you were scared when I didn't. It made everything else scary in my head and I felt scared, Eddie. I don't want to do that again. Please don't let it happen again."

Harry's bottom lip quivers before he sucks it between his teeth and his shudders start to shake, his eyes are glassy and beginning to water, all Edward can think is, _my poor baby._

Edward pulls him in again, lets him nuzzle up into the crook of his neck and nose at him until he's content.

"Shhh, you're okay. I've got you. Do you want to take your medicine, baby? It'll calm you down." Harry is quick to shake his head in a no.

"What do you want, sweetie? Tell me what you need, anything, just tell me, babe." Harry whines, Edward knows that Harry won't tell him things if he thinks Edward will disapprove or reject him and this seems to be one of those times.

Harry nudges at Edward's neck, nose bumping up against his jaw making Edward lift his head and Harry quickly puts his face there, hiding away where he knows Edward won't see his face.

"Baby," Edward laughs softly at Harry's shyness, not even Edward could deny that Harry's pretty adorable when he's shy.

"Haz, you don't have to hide. What are you so shy about now?" It's a rethoricle question, they both know Harry's not going to answer, but Harry nudges Edward again with his nose. Edward laughs again but doesn't say anything, just lets Harry be for a while.

 

At first Edward thinks Harry's just moved to be more comfortable, the brush of his lips on the underside of his jaw an accident… until it happens again, and again, shy little presses of lips laced with wariness being placed against his skin. It shouldn't make his heart start pounding like a jackhammer, shouldn't make his palms sweaty with nerves in that pleased sort of way he's only ever felt a handful of times in his life. He shouldn't be letting out a happy hum when Harry's lips press with more pressure against his skin, shouldn't be thinking that this is so nice and good and comfortable and lovely… shouldn't, but that doesn't mean he isn't.

"Hazza, what are you doing, love?"

Harry is quick to tense up, move his head away and try to hide away again, rejection and disapproval always hurt him most because it's direct, it's about him and he's never dealt well with people not liking him or thinking badly of him. 

"No, no, babe, it's okay, you're alright." Edward knows that, no, it's not really okay, not in most people's eyes, but then again, this is Harry, this is the sweetest, kindest, most loving boy he's ever known in his entire life, the most important people in the world to him, somehow that makes everything else seem less important, makes any one else's opinion obsolete, how can they matter when Harry is sitting in his lap with a sad pouty lip and big worried green eyes staring right at him, how can that matter when he loves Harry so much and Harry loves him so much? 

 

"M'sorry, Eddie." Harry's voice is so soft and quiet Edward barely hears him, he knows that Harry's probably scared, worried that Edward is mad at him and wants to try to fix it to make Edward happy with him again.

Edward has quick debate in his head over whether he should take the apology and let it all go, or decide not to care about what could possibly happen if he decided to be selfish and involve himself with Harry in a more-than-brother type of way.

If the pout on Harry's face is anything to go by, Edward thinks not caring is the best way to go, it becomes a fast decision when he sees Harry's bottom lip starting to wobble with oncoming tears.

"No, baby don't cry," is all Edward can say before he's got Harry under him, lips working against his softly until Harry realizes what's happening and complies, moving his lips with Edward's, a contented little noise slips past his lips as Edward holds him close and runs a hand down his back, a welcomed soothing gesture considering how nervous Harry is.


	11. Chapter 11

Harry and Edward do make it out as Harry had wanted, although the day is quite different than Harry had imagined it to be the previous night when he'd been running through the possibilities of the day to come.  
He didn't even know what he was doing when he had tried to kiss Edward, he just did it, tried, hoped so much that he wouldn't be rejected because he wanted it so so much.  
However, the loving and kisses didn't carry over past morning time. It seemed as though Edward was putting distance between them as they walked down the street to grab coffee. Harry knew something was wrong, knew he and Edward weren't okay, he wasn't stupid, he knew how to take a hint and Edward was giving loads of them. So Harry backed off, walked further to the side or behind Edward, and tried to keep his limbs from brushing up against his brother and tried to not even look at him because he knew, he _knew_ that Edward was trying to tell him no without actually having to say it, and it hurt, it killed, it fucking seared through his stupid heart because he had thought just this morning that Edward loved him in the special way he wanted him to, needed him to, and he didn't, doesn't, probably won't ever because if today was any indication of their romantic future... nothing was ever going to happen in his lifetime.  
Sadly, Harry just wanted to stop everything, take back this morning even if it meant not getting to kiss Edward for real because having him still, having him walk close and talk to fill the silence and be there in a present kind of way that he currently wasn't, it would be better than what the situation is now. Harry doesn't care if he never gets to have Edward's romantic type of love aimed at him as long as he doesn't leave, as long as he stops walking so far away and as long as he talks again and lets Harry be beside him and LOOKS at him again because he loves him, he loves him to the moon and back and he would give up so so much for his brother, he hates that he's afraid to even look at him now.

They finally get to the cafe and Edward orders both of their drinks, doesn't even have to consult with Harry first to know what he wants because Harry doesn't actually drink coffee, he gets the hot coco or orange juice almost everywhere they go, so he gets the coco for him.  
Harry finds a table by a wall, away from windows so he won't be recognized from outside, and near the back just because he feels safer there. Edward brings the drinks to the table and sets Harry's in front of him before he sits himself down.  
Harry just stares at the whipped cream and chocolate drizzle creating a dome over his drink, thinks about how he feels like swiping his hand _just so_ so that the drink shatters to the ground.  
"Haz, drink your coco before it gets cold." Harry doesn't look up, just picks the cup up and takes a quick sip, the scald of it on his tongue almost makes him forget how pissed off he is.  
Edward must catch his flinch from the burn because he quickly says, "careful, blow on it first." Harry just nods and sets the cup down.

"I'm sorry, Haz... but, you know we need to talk about this morning, right? You know brothers aren't supposed to do what we did, don't you?"  
Harry turns his head away, he can feel the lump in his throat and the stinging at the backs of his eyes because it hurts so bad, he never ever wanted to hear Edward say these things to him. He nods anyway, because he does know, he knows it's not normal and most people will think he's not okay or good because of what they did... or more so what he wants.  
"Hey, Harry, please don't cry... it's... I- ....Harry, will you just calm down? Just don't freak out okay?" Harry's head shoots up at that, the tone of Edward's voice catching him off guard, it's never been so... so mean, so insensitive, so hurtful before.  
Harry narrows his eyes at his brother, feeling the heat of his tears spill onto his cheeks as he pushes his way out of his seat and quickly moves out of the cafe and away from Edward.

He can hear the calling behind him, Edward running after him, shouting his name, but he doesn't stop, because the person calling after him isn't who he thought he was, doesn't care the way he thought he did and that changes everything.  
Harry feels his arm get jerked back hard enough that he has to stop his pursuit of getting away.  
Edward's got a strong hand gripping Harry's baggy jumper sleeve, he's also got a pleading look in his eyes that Harry isn't sure he should believe or not.  
"Haz, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, I'm so sorry, God, I just don't know what to do and I don't know how to handle this or you. You know I didn't mean it, I would never hurt you like that, you know that."  
Edward knows he messed up, knows he's fractured something that isn't going to mend easily, can tell by the way that Harry turns away from him, bows his head and tries to shrug out of Edward's hold. He's messed up, fucked up, royally fucked up here, and God knows that Harry doesn't forgive and forget, because he can't. He holds on to the hurt and bad and the sad and doesn't know how to let it go and it hurts him so bad and so deep that it shuts him down and breaks him and Edward has never been a part of what did that, has never been the hurt or the bad or the sad for Harry, and Harry will never forget that he once was because he just doesn't know how.

"No Eddie, I don't know. I told you, I told you that I don't know, I don't know all the time but everybody thinks I do and I don't and you know that 'cause I told you." Harry's voice is low and has reached that point where it's scary how calm it is because Edward knows just how serious he is and how angry he is inside but refuses to be the bad guy, doesn't want to hurt anyone even though they've hurt him.

"I want to go home now, Eddie." Edward doesn't argue and Harry doesn't look at him the rest of the way home.

Harry's got more than sadness in his head now, he's got anger, so much anger it feels white hot and mean and he knows he could let it out, say bad words and hurtful things to Edward to get him to feel the way he's feeling now, but he doesn't because Edward shouldn't have to feel that sad or bad about himself, shouldn't have to carry what Harry does and Harry knows that because it's on his shoulders everyday and even he doesn't want it, he'd never put his burden on someone else, especially not his brother.

At home they're quiet, skirting around one another and staying in separate rooms, which isn't hard considering Harry's place is too big even for the both of them combined. Harry stays in his room and stares at the creamy tan color of his wall, it reminds him of his room at his mums house, reminds him of before One Direction.

He stays there for hours, just staring and trying to blank out his mind as best as he can because it hurts too much to think and he's still so mad, the kind of mad that feels like it's going to tear his skin apart just to make itself known, the kind of mad that makes him want to scream and hit and cry about everything that's ever hurt him or made him upset. He doesn't escape into his mind, doesn't let himself space because now he's afraid of that too. He's gotten trapped there now and scared him, it was his safe place, a place where he could make anything happen and be as happy as he'd ever wished, and now he couldn't go there because he was afraid of being trapped there when it got scary again. He just sits on his bed, mind as blank as he can get it by thinking about television static screens and the fuzzy sound it makes, he thinks maybe his mind is like a horrible television show with no commercial breaks and no end, just continuous and he can't turn it off. By the fourth hour of Harry sitting alone in his room, Edward comes in, a soft knock on the already ajar door and slips in.

"Haz... can we talk?" Harry looks at him and tries to ignore the way his heart feels stupidly warmed and his tummy feels less sick with fear and nerves, "yeah" he says, soft weary voice breaking his four hour marathon of not speaking.

Edward shuffles nervously over to Harry's bed and sits down beside him. They sit in silence for a while, trying to figure out what to say and how to say it and dear god, will this ruin them?

"I didn't mean to say what I did, I don't think you're a freak... I was just scared and I didn't know what to do or say because I didn't want to hurt you, which I did anyway. I'm sorry, Harry... really, you're my best friend and brother and I love you and I never want to hurt you and I am so sorry for doing that."

Harry just sighs, exasperated like Edward's words have tired him or drained him.

"S'okay, Eddie." Is all he says, his voice sad and like it almost hurts him, like his words have thorns as they come out and prick along his throat and tongue and lips as he says them.

Edward knows it's not okay, it's so very not okay and it kills him that Harry feels like he has to be okay, like he has to pretend in order to preserve Edward's feelings.

"It's not okay, Haz. I know you're not okay, and I know we're not okay. Why are you lying? You don't have to lie to me."

"Well what am I supposed to do, Eddie? I can't say what I want because I know it will upset you and I can't do what I want because I know we'd end up right back here, stuck in a stupid circle because of me. I can't hurt you, Eddie, I can't put anymore on you because I don't want you to hurt like I do and I don't want to be the cause of your hurt, I want to fix it like you fix me. And I don't want to make you mad at me because I don't want you to leave or not talk to me again or walk so far away, and I want you to look at me and not ignore me and I don't want you to use your angry voice at me because that makes me feel bad. Eddie, I'm not okay, but I will try to be... for you."

Edward hadn't prepared for that, for the return of the calm of Harry's voice that tells him just how angry and serious he is, and how reluctant he is to act out or yell the way Edward knows he wants to. "It's not me you have to be okay for, you don't have to spare my feelings. You can say what you want, do what you want, I won't leave you or hurt you or be upset with you for anything. I'm not upset now, I was never upset, I was just confused and scared because I didn't know how to handle everything, I still don't. I am so sorry for making you think I was mad at you, for using that tone of voice with you because I know you don't like it... we just need to talk things out, love."

"I have to make sure you don't hurt like me, Eddie. Of all the things I should do, making sure you don't hurt is the most important to me."

"Hazza, of all the things you should do, the most important should be making sure _you_ don't hurt. You're the most important, you need to look out for you first. I've got myself handled, please care about me, but don't think that putting me first will save me from hurting... what hurts me is knowing that you think you have to do that, d'you understand that? It hurts me to know that you spend so much of your time and energy worrying about my potential to hurt."

Harry looks away, stares at his fingers in his lap and wants to say sorry, he feels sorry for making Edward hurt even when he didn't try to, he tried so hard to keep that from happening.

"Hey, please don't hide away now, it's okay to let me see you when you don't feel okay."

"S'not that..." Harry sniffs and lifts his head up, his eyes are already reddening from the tears in his eyes and his chin is wobbly, "I just... I tried so hard to keep the hurt away from you and I couldn't even do that, I couldn't do the one thing I tried my hardest at, and... and I feel sorry and ashamed because I hurt you and I didn't even know it and because I made you like me less by what I did this morning and I'm afraid you won't want to be by me anymore because I hurt you and did a bad thing."

An odd rush of anger washes through Edward as Harry speaks, it's not directed at him, it's directed at himself and not that he would ever admit it, but it's directed at the part of Harry's mind that holds all the hurt and sadness. Edward scoots himself closer to Harry and pulls him close into a hug that Harry is quick to return.

"You are in no way to blame for anything, you don't have to apologize or feel ashamed. I don't care if I hurt sometimes, sweetie, that's part of being a person. My hurt and your hurt are not the same, you think that what you feel on a daily basis is going to somehow transfer onto me if you don't keep everything inside or if you stop protecting me from sadness, but that's not how it works. You have to understand that your emotions are on a different playing field than my own, I may look like you and share DNA with you, but we aren't the same person, babe. I'm not going to break down if I hurt a little or get sad a little bit from time to time, I'll be okay. And I don't like you any less because I hurt sometimes, I never expected you or anyone else to protect me from feeling, and I don't like you any less because of what happened this morning... you didn't even technically do it, I did, and it wasn't a bad thing, Haz. It's not normal, it's not something that a lot of people do, but it doesn't make you or me a bad person."

Edward can feel the hiccuping coming from Harry's crying as they hold each other tighter and as Harry tries to crawl into his lap and bury his face in the crook of his neck, as per usual when Harry is emotional like this. Edward tries to soothe Harry, petting his hair and keeping him close until he's not crying so hard.

Harry finally speaks up and says, "I don't understand, Eddie." His voice is raw from crying, but still soft and a little tired from it all and Edward wishes he could tell Harry to sleep and actually have him listen.

"What don't you understand, love?"

"If we aren't bad people, then what are we?"

Edward isn't sure how to answer and the pause he takes is enough to worry Harry and have him pulling away to look at his brother, he has to know if he's okay or if he said something bad. Edward knows why Harry's looking at him now, the worried expression on his face and the crease between his eyebrows says it all.

Edward thinks about it, scans over it once more and then thinks damn it all to hell because he doesn't care and doesn't give a hot shit what anyone else says as long as he and Harry are both content, so he grabs Harry and kisses him straight on the mouth for the second time that day, feels Harry tense up and then relax a few seconds later, hears the little sigh of contentment that his brother lets out when his tongue runs over his bottom lip.

He just lets it be, lets himself kiss his brother and not care about the outside world because what matters is Harry and him and the way they feel and the fact that they don't have to hide from each other.

When Edward pulls away to breathe he hears Harry whine and then sees the pout on his cherry red lips, "You're cute when you pout."

Harry just pouts more and tries to kiss him again, "Hazza, my lips are going to fall off if we don't take a break." Another whine from Harry but he listens and sits back with a hint of a pout still, "then if I can't kiss you, can you tell me if we're not bad people, then what are we?"

"We're just people, we're brothers and twins and best friends. And we're all of those things and we can be more too, but we both have to understand that other people won't like it, that we can't tell the whole world like other people can. We're not bad people, but not everyone will like us, and I don't want their stupid and mean words to hurt you or me so we have to be quiet about being more, is that okay? You understand why?"

"It's okay, Eddie, I understand. Just like how some people don't like gay people and sometimes they have to not tell everyone... I know that we're gay too, but we just have extra that we have to be careful about, right?"

The way Harry looks at Edward makes him want to wrap him up and cuddle him until the world ends, to protect him from everything because something so precious doesn't deserve to be hurt by anyone or anything, but he just cuddles him for the time being and presses a kiss to his disheveled hair, "Yeah, Hazza, you're exactly right." Harry just snuffles and somehow makes his way back into Edward's lap and finally falls into a much needed slumber.


End file.
